Wow

Cuba is more progressive, tolerant and educated about sexuality than the United States. No wonder our government still hates Fidel so much, 50 years after the revolution.

Dead Ringers

A friend sent me a link to myheritage.com. If you just register with the site, you can try out their face recognition software online. You can upload a picture and the service matches it to either their big database, or the celebrity database consisting of "3200 of the world's most famous faces." Using it this afternoon I have noticed that a lot of the responses really depend on the angle of the photo.

I wanted to cry when my first upload said that I looked like Charles DeGaulle, Tom Hanks, or Tom Berenger. I pretty much welled up when the next pegged me as a doppleganger for Harvey Keitel. But then I discovered that you can click a button to choose male or female results, which made me feel a little better. Not that I think I look remotely like Nicole Richie, Liv Tyler, Mischa Barton or Catherine Deneuve, but at least it's in the right gender group.

I decided to test the program by running the face of one Mr. Don King. Surely, I thought, he must be one of the "3200." Result? Bupkes. I ran another on Luke Perry. This time, it came up with multi-gendered responses. Including Douglas Fairbanks, who was also mentioned in my matches. First, why didn't his picture come up? Also, does this mean Luke Perry and I look alike? For my final celebrity challenge I tried a photo of Catherine Zeta-Jones. Finally, it registered an actual celebrity. But if Douglas Fairbanks makes the cut in the year 2006, you'd think Don King and Luke Perry would too.

So obviously this program is insane, but it's funny all the same. If you try it though, stay away from group shots. Although it claims to do a great job with them, more often than not it doesn't identify the faces at all. Have fun!

Jessica Simpson Cheats At Songwriting Too

It's not like I thought she was especially gifted in the songwriting department, but it's difficult to imagine someone cribbing so much from a mega-hit song. Listen to this mash-up of the new Jessica Simpson song and Madonna's "Holiday." How dare that talentless wench steal from the master! I'm sure Madge and her squad of flying legal monkeys are going to get all over this one. Not even evil mastermind and all-around creepy dad Joe Simpson can save Jessica from this one. Go get her!

Gone fishin'

I guess it really should say "went fishin'." Anyway, after a long vacation from the blog I am back. While I was away, a lot of things happened. My year-long project that drove me slowly insane actually won a national award from my professional organization, which was awesome. The Miami Heat won the NBA Finals, making me smile because I know somewhere Kobe Bryant is having a snit about it. Our cats shed the equivalent of two hamsters in fur. Poor Britney Spears did her own hair and makeup to cry in front of a sockless Matt Lauer. I could go on forever. But I won't. I'll share some fun links below though and re-commit myself to updating this more often.

• Big Brother is back, and I'm actually excited! I didn't watch last season because I didn't want my boyfriend to think less of me (and I guess that worked since we're engaged now). This year, however, brings back people from every season. America can vote for the players. I personally favor the Evil Dr. Will, who was by far the best player ever on that show, but voting for Nakomis (no way should her illiterate brother have stayed in the house longer), Marcellas (my favorite bitchy queen), or Danielle is okay too. Go vote right now for Evil Dr. Will (or someone else other than stupid Alison, Jase or Diane) to join the cast of Big Brother All-Stars.


• Finally, the Coreys are back! I don't know about you, but I'm interested to see how this show turns out. It'll probably be atrocious, but won't it be fun to watch?


• Why didn't Barry Bonds try this excuse?

Hoff, Hasselhoff

This is the perfect video for Bond fans waiting impatiently for Casino Royale, the Dallas Mavericks, and people who just love the Hoff like me. My personal highlight: at about 1:45 Hasselhoff performs a high front kick, then takes off with the aid of a jet pack. There's also a lot of undulating faux Bond girls if you're into that kind of thing.

Power Lifters For Jesus

It's nice to know that no matter what's going on in the world, Pat Robertson is still out there acting batshit crazy. Apparently he cheated when claiming to leg press a ton. Under Pat's version of the rules of competitive lifting, I could benchpress the principality of Monaco (3 sets, 4 reps each). I'm sure Pat thought that God was imbuing him with holy leg press strength to spread his war on "evil" into the fitness centers of our great nation. I somehow doubt the Lord would waste such impressive powers on a man who openly prays for people to die.

And besides, God's already deputized The Power Team, "One of the most Powerful, Impacting, and Effective Presentations of the Gospel in the World!" I'd love to see that kind of spectacle live, but I don't think the audience would appreciate me cackling in the background. Just like when I went to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of George "Skinbeard" Lucas. Or the Sith. Whatever.

Poor Dylan: An Open Letter to NBC

Dear NBC,

I realize that you are very impressed by your "brilliant" and "clever" radio ads featuring a fake "wacky" morning crew talking up your shows every day. At first I thought the strategy brilliant, until you ran the ads every day, allowing the suits to catch on and force you to put a "Commercial Announcement" disclaimer before and after each one.

After a whole season of this, I just got angry that someone expected me to sit there and listen to someone calling Kelsey Grammar a brilliant thespian, annointing ER a thrilling and subtle drama, or debating how awesome that Howie Mandel show for mental midgets who like to shout at briefcases totally is without a trace of irony. I thought that the end of the official television season would give me some respite from listening to your excrutiatingly happy fictional disc jockeys go on and on about how "rad" The Apprentice is. I was wrong.

Yesterday I had the misfortune to hear the summer season kick-off begin in earnest. Windfall should be interesting just because of Dylan McKay (AKA Luke Perry), but now I read that it's not even good. Disappointing, yes. But what really zapped any desire I had to see that show was listening to the female sidekick "pondering" how money changes people.

You're not fooling anyone, NBC. And I especially dislike any ruse that plays on me being a complete moron who can't recognize my own real wacky morning show voices. It's stupid, just like most of your shows. Have a straightforward "tonight on Windfall" ad. It could work, you never know.

Sincerely,
A Viewer Who's Still Just Going To Watch The Office and L&O: D'Onofrio, No Matter What You Do

Bargain Shopping Safari

The latest lame "adventure" I undertook a few nights ago involved shopping for budget gifts for my intern's birthday. I'm a huge believer in always checking to make sure the stuff at Five Below and the local dollar store isn't as crappy as I remember before being forced to go to Target and buy normal stuff at higher prices. After using my trusty machete to hack a path through aisles of Men in Black II Trapper Keeper folders, Turkish faux Comet cleaning products, and Napolean Dynamite magnets, I managed to find these items:

Kids Today Are Lazy Part 1
Most of the fun of Mash is putting together the board by yourself in the corner of your notebook. I would never dream of trying to foretell the future any other way. Buying this would be an affront to my belief in the clairvoyant powers of the Spiral.

A Nice Way To Discourage Smoking
These ashtrays are classy to be sure. I think they would probably work more effectively as ironic ashtrays for hipsters rather than actual anti-smoking paraphernalia pieces.


Kids Today Are Lazy Part 2
I can't believe they're trying to market an activity best left to catholic school teachers in search of a "fun" timekiller on half-days. Hangman in and of itself is pretty lame, but having to pay to play it? Now that's pathetic.