...I've Got Some Swamp Land in Florida to Sell You

In case you thought that CSI was real, Encarta's here to dash your dreams. No, law enforcement and the justice system don't work that fast. And when they finally do find you and bring you in for questioning, the guy who mopped up the blood and picked hairs out of the upholstery won't be the lead interrogator. Nor will he be the only person in the room, making snippy intimations about your character which inspire you to confess all before you've even called your lawyer. Sorry Horatio.

Barry Gibb Alert, Barry Gibb Alert!

Barry Gibb was always my favorite Bee Gee (that lion's mane, those spectacularly tight pants!), so I'm always pleased to see him back in the limelight. I wasn't prepared for it to be this. Gibb re-teaming with Barbra Streisand for an album? Not totally crazy. Streisand and Gibb producing a pro-troops song and cheesetastic video to match? Kinda crazy (and awesome). Streisand wearing the same G.D. Donna Karan dress she's worn to 75% of her public outings for the past eight years in the video? Completely bonkers.

Sometimes if I like something, I'll get it in a couple of different colors. Of course, I've never made a daily uniform out of ill-fitting evening gowns. You're rich and fabulous Babs...get Donna to design something different that actually flatters you. This get-up, in all of its incarnations, puffs up your shoulders and makes you look like a linebacker.

What part of "Christian" has he forgotten?

Just when you think the Christian Right can't get any crazier or less Christian in their ideals, here comes Pat Robertson calling for the head of the president of Venezuela. If I recall decades of Catholic indoctrination properly, murder is wrong. When coupled with his pleas to a greater power to provide openings on the Supreme Court, it seems that this supposed man of faith is praying an awful lot for the death of others.

He doesn't believe in God, he's succumbed to the crazy power game. If he did really believe, he would be ashamed of the things he's asking for. He would also do a bunch of penance in a hurry. Robertson's pretty old, and his own judgement, at the hands of the God he improperly invokes in the name of hatred and murder, is probably not too far off. You're not God Pat. And if God is the being described in the Bible you like tossing around, he/she won't be too pleased with you when the years of preaching hatred catch up with your shriveled heart. Stop giving faith a bad name. Try reading the actual Bible before opening your mouth next time. After all, Jesus isn't a hit man.

J. Peterman: Vindicated at Last!

Finally. The stage is set. I hope J. Peterman breaks out the big guns, like maracas and ruffled sleeves, to snatch victory from the jaws of Kelly Monaco's bare midriff. Cause wearing napkins as skirts and headbands as tops seemed to be her only dancing skill.

Now go mop the floor with that insipid soap star twinkie John! It's on!

La Isla Bonita

Fametracker once again proves its brilliance with this piece on possible reasons why The Island wasn't a smash hit. Or rather, why ten people went to see it. I got in for free at a screening, but I liked it enough to pay at least matinee rates. It's not your typical action movie, and Ewan McGregor is as dreamy as the day is long. For a Michael Bay production, I would give it a B+. Not the highest praise, but hey, it' something.

Don't Call Him Shirley

In the day's least compelling headline, P. Diddy has decided to drop the P and go by Diddy. Because it was apparently taking him too long to explain what his name was. Yup, that should be all cleared up now that he's removed that troublesome initial. Only Prince could pull off moniker musical chairs, and even then it was a bit silly. I hate to break it you Diddy, but you're no Prince. I've got a radical idea: go by Sean. Seriously.

The Voice From Up On High

As if you needed more prodding, Joss Whedon has come out swinging in support of Veronica Mars! If you haven't given this FANTASTIC show a try, the time is now. Catch up before the sure-to-be glorious Season Two gets underway next month. They're playing reruns on UPN, and the DVD is coming out in October, so now you have no excuses whatsoever.

Because it's my favorite saying.

And "Tornado Buster" is not only factually incorrect, but potentially insensitive.

This will be the re-birth of my internet presence. I'll be adding fresh posts whenever something strikes (or completely misses) my fancy.