Abbondanza! for when you don't know what else to say

Celine Dion: Honoring MJ in the most terrifying/awesome way possible

2009-07-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

My favorite overblown, absurdist Canadian chanteuse is BAD. You know it.

Human Nature

2009-07-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

As CNN's morbidathon has raged on over the past two weeks, it took a little girl to make me cry for the first time about losing one of my childhood heroes. The memorial service for Michael was as outsized as his career, with some nice moments (Stevie Wonder) and some horribly fake, cheesy overblown drama class pieces (Usher, I'm looking at you). Little Paris Jackson's touching statement at the memorial service was the tipping point. She made Michael real, and human again. Cutting through all the stories of chimps and allegations, and bizarre behaviors, Paris gave Michael back his humanity. Yes, he was odd, yes he was the most supremely talented human being we've ever experienced. But when you take that away, MJ was at his core a father, a brother, a son, and friend to so many.

It's surprising how easy it is for icons to lose that human side. We see them in the tabloids and they become like characters in a bad TV show to us. Being the most famous person on the planet has a ton of drawbacks, and one of those is surrendering who you are to the world. They use you up and spit you out, just as happy to condemn as to cheer. And MJ's last years were so strange, that I suppose a part of me imagined that he was already dead. Paris and her powerful statement cut through all of that noise.

I found myself crying. Not just because of Anderson Cooper's touching remembrance of losing his dad that introduced the clip. Or the fact that any dead father story makes me remember and miss my own Dad. It was just her words. Simple, heartfelt, and maddeningly necessary. The press has had their way with her father his entire life. And his family had controlled him in many ways too, creating the eccentricities that would make him a target later on. The fact that this brave little girl felt the need to make statement that was basically a plea for people to recognize that she loved her father and felt that he was a good man is heartbreaking.

I hope that the Jackson children are well-cared for by Michael's family. I sincerely pray that they are left alone to grow up beyond the glare of flashbulbs, helicopters and the 24-hour news cycle.

RIP MJ

2009-07-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still in shock that Michael Jackson is no longer with us. He left us with so much great music. In his personal life, he was a mystery. I'm not going to spend time prosecuting or defending him for his controversies over the years. I think this abused boy was so screwed up by his father, that he never had a chance of being normal. No one knows what really happened, and he was acquitted the one time he was charged, so I won't even touch on that. I'll remember Michael as I loved him: an amazing talent, whose music was electrifying and touched pretty much everyone I knew. Here are my favorite Michael-related memories:

In the third grade Thriller came out, and my friend Amy G. had a VCR, so her parents rented the movie and hosted a weekend-long slumber party. We must have watched that video three hundred times, never getting bored of it once. Trying out the dances and learning all the dialogue so we could perform along with it. We had such a blast doing that. Of course one unintended side effect: I dreamt constantly of zombies showing up at our sliding glass door so the night became a little sinister.
I was a very involved sticker collector, and I'll never forget my most prized possession: a sticker of MJ in a yellow sweater vest and bow tie. He was so dreamy then. And then in the fourth grade, Prince came along and ruined me forever, but I still look back fondly on my innocent crush on Michael.
I'll never forget the buzz surrounding that Motown 25 event. Every kid in the neighborhood knew it was coming on and wanted to watch, so when it was time, we all took off running for our respective homes to watch. It seemed so important and big, and Michael's now iconic performance that night was certainly worth us cutting our playtime short.
When the Bad music video came out, I was so confused by it. Even in my youth, before having seen The Warriors and other tough-guy type movies, I knew that poor little Michael was not actually Bad like he was saying. That being said, I completely loved the video anyway.
In college, my friend Becca and I discovered our shared love for Michael. We would play his music from time to time. When we sublet an apartment for summer school, we rented the Moonwalker video, something I don't think we would ever do in the dorms. We had so much fun, laughing at the dumb movie parts with Joe Pesci and being amazed by Smooth Criminal's great look and choreography. Was our devotion a little ironic? Sure, everything was in college, but it came from a place of pure joy for Michael's best years.
When I first saw the video for 'Scream' I was pretty happy. First off, I really loved Janet too. But their interaction was hoot, plus the space setting made his concerning appearance look like it was a plan from the start. Well worth the $7 million.
After college, I got a copy of Off the Wall. I had never heard the album, and considered that it was probably like other pre-hit albums like Bobby Brown's King of Stage (verdict: not). What an amazing treat it turned out to be. Not a bad song on the entire disk, and you can't help but dance joyously when "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" comes on.
Watching The Jacksons: An American Dream was one of the most supremely satisying TV movie events of all time. And coming from me, that means something. If the world wanted to know why MJ was so inscrutable and confusing at times, this movie provides the answers. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington made for a menacing Joe Jackson, and with that kind of malevolent presence in a house, those kids are lucky they survived.

Rest in peace Michael, and thank you for many years of entertainment.

Belated Movie Reviews: The Happening

2009-06-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

From time to time, I'll be reviewing the movies I get around to seeing on TV. This kick-off entry is a doozy.

Ask anyone who knows me well: I enjoy cheese and bad acting like no one's business. If it looks like it was written by the drama club, I want to see it. That's why I have so much fun watching made for TV movies, especially those SciFi originals. Little did I know that one of those scripts made it onto the big screen in a big budget production. Today I am reviewing The Happening, written, directed, produced and voice cameo'd by one Mr. M. Night Shyamalan. See trailer below:

The expectations were very low for this film, as I had been mocking it based on the trailer alone since before its release. No one would say "She is going to the town of Princeton." Jesus. Anyway, little did I know how astoundingly horrible yet boring the movie would ultimately be. The story, or what passes for plot, is not only shallow, but not very scary. Plants get pissed off and decide to make cranky Northeasterners off themselves. Not scary. Not even sensibly preachy. You've got to give Shyamalan major credit for managing to reverse the progress of years of global warming education in the span of 90 minutes.

The effects are atrocious. The man in the tiger cage? The dummies falling from the sky in a cheap 9/11 reference? The quesoriffic slow-mo sepia when John Leguizamo goes off to find his destiny "in the town of Princeton?" I saw better CGI used on Buffy, ten years ago.

The script is insane, but enjoyably so. The awkward phrasing, colorful sayings that no person has ever said ("Cheese and Crackers!"), overwrought green preaching, surprisingly tone deaf local references (no one from Philly would say "Rittenhouse Square Park" - they would say "Rittenhouse Square"), unfunny jokes in the middle of tragedy, and unrealistic conversations and reasoning sessions are breathtaking to behold. It's like the original script was translated into Swedish, then translated back into English before shooting began. This movie is very much like the music of ABBA in that way.

Finally, the acting really hammers home the point that this movie was just an all around bad idea. The extras read lines like they're at a 7th Heaven casting call. And the "name" actors have nothing to work with. Zooey Deschanel, an enjoyable actress normally, looks bored and confused as to why she is in the picture. John Leguizamo pretty much sweats a lot and says weird stuff. Betty Buckley works really hard to scare, but falls short.

Then we come to Mark Wahlberg, a guy I usually like. I don't know how he can actually say his lines with a straight face. Maybe his coping mechanism was raising his voice in a sing-song cadence to deliver every line like it was a question. Complete with awkward "I AM ACTING RIGHT NOW" hand gestures. His performance is an absolute wonder. A thing of terrifying beauty. Now I know where Andy Samberg gets his "Say hello to your mother" impersonation from:

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Watching this, it just makes me wonder what happened to M. Night Shyamalan. Hard to believe that this is the same person who made The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs and The Village. I never saw Lady in the Water in full, mainly because I can't even watch more than a few minutes of it without shaking my head at the dialogue. I know he has another movie coming out, and it's someone else's script. That's probably for the best. At this point, he needs to get back to filmmaking fundamentals. Or else transform into our generation's Ed Wood, and dedicate himself solely to making the worst movies possible. Commit himself anew to a genre where failure is the only option.

Is the film enjoyable? Well, watching it for quality is not recommended. If you're looking for something to mock or watch ironically, there's material here for that, but the film never gets unhinged or over the top enough to be that balls out, gonzo bad movie I like to watch. They should have gone for the gold, amped up the cheese even more, and made a movie that not only had a sense of humor, but was fun to watch. Go big or go home, I say.

Regular movie grade: D; SciFi movie grade: C+

OTH goes to the dogs (literally)

2009-05-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

This is why I LOVE One Tree Hill. Evil Patriarch Dan is hanging out in the hospital waiting room, as one is wont to do before a heart transplant, when suddenly tragedy strikes. Enjoy this scene from the recent season finale:

People Mag's Delusion of the Day

2009-05-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Uh, no. Kate, I do not want your hair. In fact, the whole hair tiara emerging from beneath an asymmetrical mom bob is pretty annoying. Best of luck with all that tabloid stuff though.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

If you're a mother, have a good day today! More posts to come.

Is it too late to re-register as a Republican?

2008-03-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

Damn you, McCain. Every time I get out, you pull me back in! Do not play this clip in the company of small animals or easily frightened children. Also, don't try to rhyme "McCain" with "Amen" as these women do. Your brain will explode.

Naughty Nachos for McGreevey

2008-03-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

With the trio of politician sex scandals rocking the Northeast these past two weeks, I'm getting tired of learning about how dirty our leaders are. Spitzer broke the law, which is stupid. As for his replacement releasing his affair history? I guess it's good he got that out of the way, but I feel like it's none of our business.

The best story by far was Jim "Gay American" McGreevey's TGIFriday three-way. What a hilariously unappealing story. A limo driver, a closet dweller and his soon-to-be-wife, living their version of a bizarro-world letter to Penthouse. Budget-friendly dinner at TGIFriday's? What a sensual way to stoke the fires of illicit passion!

I took a look at some of the menus at popular chain restaurants, and here are some sure-fire (and cheap!) dishes to heat up your next menage-a-trois:

TGIFridays
Friday’s Three For All: our big-enough-to-share platter features a trio of our most famous appetizers: Loaded Potato Skins, Fried Mozzarella and our spicy Buffalo Wings.
The appetizer that probably inspired the whole sordid affair.

Macaroni Grill
Mama's Trio: Three Italian classics with a delicious new taste. Primo Chicken Parmesan, Layers & Layers of Lasagna and Chicken Cannelloni
The perfect cheese-infused warm-up, to a night of hot gubernatorial action.

Chili’s
Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger: Extra thick-cut jalapeno applewood smoked bacon triple-layered with smoked cheddar, Swiss and provolone cheers, sautéed onions, shredded lettuce, tomato, pickle and jalapeno ranch dressing.
Wow - the description alone sounds dirty.

Fajita Trio: Tender grilled steak, marinated grilled chicken and spicy garlic & lime grilled shrimp. Served sizzling w/onions & bell peppers.
Did somebody say sizzling? I think we’ve got a winner.

Applebee’s
Ultimate Trio: Pick three delicious appetizers from a menu of favorites.
I think with this one, you could pick a better participant than your limo driver.

With delectable delights like this on the menu, you're sure to score sexy points with employees and beards alike!

Florida and Michigan - Hillary Logic

2008-03-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

I had to laugh at this series of videos. Some design firm lurves Obama, and has made some movies to support his cause. Here's one about the delegates from the dumb states.

And here's one on the experience argument:

And here's the VP offer she's put out there:

Sawyer's Sobriquets

2008-03-06T01:16:00.000-08:00

Sawyer from Lost is hot and tortured and badass and endearingly dorky and, most importantly, clever with nicknames. And this is why I lurve him. Enjoy a sampler of his finest work below.

Praise the Lord (of the CW)

2008-03-05T01:32:00.000-08:00

The CW announced that they are renewing Supernatural and One Tree Hill. And Gossip Girl too, which I haven't had the chance to experience, but I am told is delicious. I'm very excited by this development.

I've written about my love for Supernatural before. The premise is simple: pretty, pretty boys driving, crackin' jokes, and kicking ghost and demon ass across our fine country. This is a pleasure that I simply do not feel guilty enjoying. Ackles and Padelecki give good performances, the stories are actually scary, the classic rock soundtrack is great, and it's shot very artistically. I like the mythology they are building, which is something original (a rarity these days, I know). And it provides a welcome escape. It's nice to be able to slip into a world where your atrocious job can be put into perspective. After all, you're not dealing with crazy phenomena.

One Tree Hill is one of those secret favorites of mine. The show is so ridiculous, it reminds me of the kind of story that I would've come up with in the 8th grade. 16-year-olds get married. People have babies at a graduation ceremony, take the baby home and lose all their by weight in time for a party a few hours later. The little town of Tree Hill is an international hub for commerce and entertainment. K-Fed is a credible guest star. This show is the nighttime equivalent of Passions. All the girls have really cute, shiny hair. Haley is a sweetheart, Brooke kicks ass, the basketball boys are cool, and there's plenty going on to be able to completely ignore the Peyton-Lucas will they or won't they conversation of the week.

So thank you CW. You are keeping me well-stocked in the escapist fare I thrive on.

X-Files 2 Movie Teaser - OMG!!!!

2008-02-28T07:28:00.000-08:00

I was a bit of an X-Files geek in my day. I named my boy cat Mulder. I stalked the delicious David Duchovny through the press. I longed to kick ass and take names in high heels, just like Scully. I owned action figures. I wrote a paper in college on the sci-fi fan fiction movement. I still have the VHS tapes, even though I'm not sure if I even remember how to work one of those VCR contraptions anymore. Okay, I was (and still am) a HUGE geek.

Here is very Blair Witch/Cloverfield-esque footage of the teaser for the new X-Files movie. They played it at some fan convention. Much as it pains me to admit it, I started squealing like a little girl when I watched it. I also get a kick out of the fans screeching when they caught quick glances of our beloved Agents Mulder and Scully. We're all a mess over this. I hope there's some nice smooching!

Keeeerayzeeeeeee

2008-02-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

Hillary, sweetie, don't make it easier for your critics, okay?

Lap steel guitars anyone?

2008-02-14T00:32:00.000-08:00

If you like lap steel guitars and crave something other than country, Last Town Chorus is the band for you. I've even written a little about them before. Here is a link to a video from a recent show in Beantown. Cinematographer? Our very own Nick P! Enjoy.

Quality Fisticuffs

2008-02-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

Three of the funniest men on the planet create a little magic without their writers. Enjoy:

Hometown Pride, Super Bowl Edition

2008-01-31T00:51:00.000-08:00

I always confuse Northeasterners when I reveal that I grew up in Phoenix. Why would anyone leave Phoenix for a place like Philadelphia? Well, I had plenty of reasons. Multiple seasons being one of them (although thanks to the enemies of Al Gore and Mother Earth, that's not really true anymore). This has been my home since I left home at 17 for the excitement of college.

My actual hometown is the suburb of Glendale. Used to be that the most exciting thing about Glendale was the annual Glendale Glitters light show in downtown. The Glitter came from draping millions of lights over the city's municipal office building, so Rockefeller Center was never in any danger of losing status. Over the past year though, Glendale has been getting good press.

First came cute Jordin Sparks, the adorable and talented American Idol winner from last season. Sure, Melinda Doolittle was probably better. But Jordin was from Glendale! She rocked out at Arrowhead Center, considered Cold Stone Creamery and Panda Express indie food joints, and had a sunny disposition, just like the rest of us poor saps. What's more American Idol than that?

And now on Sunday, America once again turns its eyes to the place where I grew up. The Super Bowl will be played at the gigantic UFO thingy in the middle of a big desert lot we call a stadium. Univ. of Phoenix Stadium is a fantastic place - I've even taken the tour. So even though I don't know who to support (probably the Patriots because I consider Eli Manning to be a total douche; then again Bill Belichick drives me insane with those cut-off sleeves), I'll be pleased that my hometown is in the glorious national spotlight it kinda deserves.

Plus, nachos!

A Study by the Department of DUH

2008-01-17T06:36:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: Clowns are universally disliked by children because they SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF THEM. I know! How shocking are those results?!? I think that's gotta be one of the most pointless surveys of the past few decades (at least).

LONDON - Bad news for Coco and Blinko — children don't like clowns, and even older kids are scared of them.

That's the finding of a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between 4 and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

"As adults we make assumptions about what works for children," said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university.

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

I for one have always been scared of them, which made me quite the skeptical/terrified circus attendee as a child. They still creep me out to this day. As do most sports mascots, but that's another matter. There's just something sinister about someone who wants to put grotesque makeup on to obliterate their features, dress like a hobo, wear outrageous shoes, honk horns at random intervals, and squirt you in the eye with a fake flowers. Don't even get me started on the clown cars!

The most realistic depiction of a clown in popular culture, or at least the one that most corresponds to my conception of them, has to be Pennywise in Stephen King's IT. The gnashing choppers, the sinister twelve-packs a day voice, the balloons and murder stuff, it all makes sense. Purists may argue that the quesoriffic TV adaptation wasn't even that frightening, but it was scary enough for this 14-year-old to never be interested in reading the undoubtedly terrifying source material.

Does anyone out there in the interwebs like clowns?

J.J. Abrams and the Mystery Box

2008-01-14T06:35:00.000-08:00

J.J. Abrams is awesome; probably the only writer/producer I would mention in the same breath as Joss Whedon. A person so possessed of vision and wit and heart that I will gladly give any project he comes up with a chance. And I haven't been disappointed yet. Anyway, I'm so pumped about the upcoming season of LOST - view the trailer and other material here. My friend Vik sent this to me, a great talk given by J.J. Abrams about his Mystery Box, and how it relates to storytelling. It's long, but well worth it. Particularly for the long-suffering LOST fans out there.

P.S. Cloverfield is out on Friday. Check out that trailer here.

If you liked that last one...

2008-01-10T11:23:00.001-08:00

Visit Wonkette to vote on the dance-off between Barack Obama and David Gregory. It's compelling stuff.

Maybe there should be a talent competition as part of the campaign process - I know I'd be a lot more political.

Illadelph Newlife

2008-01-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

All hail new Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter, the last great hope for our scarred metropolitan area. I have always held this adorably dorky reformer in the highest regard. I can't wait to see what he can do for our fallen city. And now I can rest assured that we're going to have a good time cleaning this place up. He's quite simply a legend:

Giving new meaning to the phrase "Eat Me"

2008-01-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

I am actually going to blog about my wedding at some point with photos, but I think my vendors would agree that I was never this crazy with my requests. Check out this wedding cake. Perfect for the bride who thinks she's simply delicious!

I gotcha back, dawg

2007-12-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

Switching around the dial this morning, I got to see the worst line of dialog ever recorded in the course of motion picture history. "Crossover" is a modern-day exploitation film starring Wayne Brady as a basketball agent hustler dude. These guys are the potential b-ball stars he is tempting into a life of skirting NCAA regulations. Will they escape life working at fake Foot Locker? Only time will tell. In the meanwhile, enjoy the tight bond of two best friends. They reeeeeeeeeally look out for each other.

Topanga in chains

2007-12-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

Did you ever watch Boy Meets World? Were you ever horrified at how terrible the main character's girlfriend treated him and confused by his devotion to her? If so, you're probably psyched to see that demanding witch Topanga and her crazy lips have been arrested.

Think About It

2007-12-18T14:49:00.001-08:00

It's the time of the year when you should think about your fellow man. Just like the Conchords said:

I realized today that I had a bunch of posts in draft form that I never published, so I'm releasing them as I contemplate adding actual new content. Stay tuned (if you're still out there, that is).