Abbondanza! for when you don't know what else to say

A big surprise

2009-08-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

We attended a surprise birthday party this weekend that turned into a proposal. I'm so happy for my friends, and the best part was how much of a surprise the whole thing turned out to be for everyone in the room. The whole thing reminded me of this skit from SNL, starring the incomparable Kristen Wiig. Enjoy!

An open letter to Entertainment Weekly

2009-08-17T14:31:00.001-07:00

Subject: Really? Twilight again?

Sadly it did not shock me to open up my mailbox and see _another_ Twilight cover. Why don't you just re-title this magazine Twilight Weekly and be done with it? I don't know who you think is reading your magazine, but not all of us think Robert Pattinson is dreamy. And we're not all waiting for the latest scoop from the set of New Moon either.

Your recent list of Top 20 Vampires was utterly ridiculous. I find it hard to believe most of your rankings. Vampire lore has a great history that neither begins nor ends with Twilight, and I suggest you try harder next time to balance out current pop culture obsessions with classic characters and performances. The results were the most ludicrous of any pop culture list you've ever put out. I know times are tough in the publishing industry, but you shouldn't have replaced your editorial staff with a bunch of marketers looking to over-sell a movie and eighth grade girls who swoon over messy hair and iridescent powder.

There are also plenty of interesting stories out there that aren't vampire-related, and I wish you could find the space to report them. I've been a loyal reader for more than 15 years, but the past year has made me wonder why.

-- Post From My iPhone

And here I've only taught my cats to be annoying at dinner time

2009-08-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

Check out the Moscow Cat Theater.

Celine Dion: Honoring MJ in the most terrifying/awesome way possible

2009-07-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

My favorite overblown, absurdist Canadian chanteuse is BAD. You know it.

Human Nature

2009-07-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

As CNN's morbidathon has raged on over the past two weeks, it took a little girl to make me cry for the first time about losing one of my childhood heroes. The memorial service for Michael was as outsized as his career, with some nice moments (Stevie Wonder) and some horribly fake, cheesy overblown drama class pieces (Usher, I'm looking at you). Little Paris Jackson's touching statement at the memorial service was the tipping point. She made Michael real, and human again. Cutting through all the stories of chimps and allegations, and bizarre behaviors, Paris gave Michael back his humanity. Yes, he was odd, yes he was the most supremely talented human being we've ever experienced. But when you take that away, MJ was at his core a father, a brother, a son, and friend to so many.

It's surprising how easy it is for icons to lose that human side. We see them in the tabloids and they become like characters in a bad TV show to us. Being the most famous person on the planet has a ton of drawbacks, and one of those is surrendering who you are to the world. They use you up and spit you out, just as happy to condemn as to cheer. And MJ's last years were so strange, that I suppose a part of me imagined that he was already dead. Paris and her powerful statement cut through all of that noise.

I found myself crying. Not just because of Anderson Cooper's touching remembrance of losing his dad that introduced the clip. Or the fact that any dead father story makes me remember and miss my own Dad. It was just her words. Simple, heartfelt, and maddeningly necessary. The press has had their way with her father his entire life. And his family had controlled him in many ways too, creating the eccentricities that would make him a target later on. The fact that this brave little girl felt the need to make statement that was basically a plea for people to recognize that she loved her father and felt that he was a good man is heartbreaking.

I hope that the Jackson children are well-cared for by Michael's family. I sincerely pray that they are left alone to grow up beyond the glare of flashbulbs, helicopters and the 24-hour news cycle.

RIP MJ

2009-07-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still in shock that Michael Jackson is no longer with us. He left us with so much great music. In his personal life, he was a mystery. I'm not going to spend time prosecuting or defending him for his controversies over the years. I think this abused boy was so screwed up by his father, that he never had a chance of being normal. No one knows what really happened, and he was acquitted the one time he was charged, so I won't even touch on that. I'll remember Michael as I loved him: an amazing talent, whose music was electrifying and touched pretty much everyone I knew. Here are my favorite Michael-related memories:

In the third grade Thriller came out, and my friend Amy G. had a VCR, so her parents rented the movie and hosted a weekend-long slumber party. We must have watched that video three hundred times, never getting bored of it once. Trying out the dances and learning all the dialogue so we could perform along with it. We had such a blast doing that. Of course one unintended side effect: I dreamt constantly of zombies showing up at our sliding glass door so the night became a little sinister.
I was a very involved sticker collector, and I'll never forget my most prized possession: a sticker of MJ in a yellow sweater vest and bow tie. He was so dreamy then. And then in the fourth grade, Prince came along and ruined me forever, but I still look back fondly on my innocent crush on Michael.
I'll never forget the buzz surrounding that Motown 25 event. Every kid in the neighborhood knew it was coming on and wanted to watch, so when it was time, we all took off running for our respective homes to watch. It seemed so important and big, and Michael's now iconic performance that night was certainly worth us cutting our playtime short.
When the Bad music video came out, I was so confused by it. Even in my youth, before having seen The Warriors and other tough-guy type movies, I knew that poor little Michael was not actually Bad like he was saying. That being said, I completely loved the video anyway.
In college, my friend Becca and I discovered our shared love for Michael. We would play his music from time to time. When we sublet an apartment for summer school, we rented the Moonwalker video, something I don't think we would ever do in the dorms. We had so much fun, laughing at the dumb movie parts with Joe Pesci and being amazed by Smooth Criminal's great look and choreography. Was our devotion a little ironic? Sure, everything was in college, but it came from a place of pure joy for Michael's best years.
When I first saw the video for 'Scream' I was pretty happy. First off, I really loved Janet too. But their interaction was hoot, plus the space setting made his concerning appearance look like it was a plan from the start. Well worth the $7 million.
After college, I got a copy of Off the Wall. I had never heard the album, and considered that it was probably like other pre-hit albums like Bobby Brown's King of Stage (verdict: not). What an amazing treat it turned out to be. Not a bad song on the entire disk, and you can't help but dance joyously when "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" comes on.
Watching The Jacksons: An American Dream was one of the most supremely satisying TV movie events of all time. And coming from me, that means something. If the world wanted to know why MJ was so inscrutable and confusing at times, this movie provides the answers. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington made for a menacing Joe Jackson, and with that kind of malevolent presence in a house, those kids are lucky they survived.

Rest in peace Michael, and thank you for many years of entertainment.

Belated Movie Reviews: The Happening

2009-06-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

From time to time, I'll be reviewing the movies I get around to seeing on TV. This kick-off entry is a doozy.

Ask anyone who knows me well: I enjoy cheese and bad acting like no one's business. If it looks like it was written by the drama club, I want to see it. That's why I have so much fun watching made for TV movies, especially those SciFi originals. Little did I know that one of those scripts made it onto the big screen in a big budget production. Today I am reviewing The Happening, written, directed, produced and voice cameo'd by one Mr. M. Night Shyamalan. See trailer below:

The expectations were very low for this film, as I had been mocking it based on the trailer alone since before its release. No one would say "She is going to the town of Princeton." Jesus. Anyway, little did I know how astoundingly horrible yet boring the movie would ultimately be. The story, or what passes for plot, is not only shallow, but not very scary. Plants get pissed off and decide to make cranky Northeasterners off themselves. Not scary. Not even sensibly preachy. You've got to give Shyamalan major credit for managing to reverse the progress of years of global warming education in the span of 90 minutes.

The effects are atrocious. The man in the tiger cage? The dummies falling from the sky in a cheap 9/11 reference? The quesoriffic slow-mo sepia when John Leguizamo goes off to find his destiny "in the town of Princeton?" I saw better CGI used on Buffy, ten years ago.

The script is insane, but enjoyably so. The awkward phrasing, colorful sayings that no person has ever said ("Cheese and Crackers!"), overwrought green preaching, surprisingly tone deaf local references (no one from Philly would say "Rittenhouse Square Park" - they would say "Rittenhouse Square"), unfunny jokes in the middle of tragedy, and unrealistic conversations and reasoning sessions are breathtaking to behold. It's like the original script was translated into Swedish, then translated back into English before shooting began. This movie is very much like the music of ABBA in that way.

Finally, the acting really hammers home the point that this movie was just an all around bad idea. The extras read lines like they're at a 7th Heaven casting call. And the "name" actors have nothing to work with. Zooey Deschanel, an enjoyable actress normally, looks bored and confused as to why she is in the picture. John Leguizamo pretty much sweats a lot and says weird stuff. Betty Buckley works really hard to scare, but falls short.

Then we come to Mark Wahlberg, a guy I usually like. I don't know how he can actually say his lines with a straight face. Maybe his coping mechanism was raising his voice in a sing-song cadence to deliver every line like it was a question. Complete with awkward "I AM ACTING RIGHT NOW" hand gestures. His performance is an absolute wonder. A thing of terrifying beauty. Now I know where Andy Samberg gets his "Say hello to your mother" impersonation from:

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Watching this, it just makes me wonder what happened to M. Night Shyamalan. Hard to believe that this is the same person who made The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs and The Village. I never saw Lady in the Water in full, mainly because I can't even watch more than a few minutes of it without shaking my head at the dialogue. I know he has another movie coming out, and it's someone else's script. That's probably for the best. At this point, he needs to get back to filmmaking fundamentals. Or else transform into our generation's Ed Wood, and dedicate himself solely to making the worst movies possible. Commit himself anew to a genre where failure is the only option.

Is the film enjoyable? Well, watching it for quality is not recommended. If you're looking for something to mock or watch ironically, there's material here for that, but the film never gets unhinged or over the top enough to be that balls out, gonzo bad movie I like to watch. They should have gone for the gold, amped up the cheese even more, and made a movie that not only had a sense of humor, but was fun to watch. Go big or go home, I say.

Regular movie grade: D; SciFi movie grade: C+

OTH goes to the dogs (literally)

2009-05-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

This is why I LOVE One Tree Hill. Evil Patriarch Dan is hanging out in the hospital waiting room, as one is wont to do before a heart transplant, when suddenly tragedy strikes. Enjoy this scene from the recent season finale:

People Mag's Delusion of the Day

2009-05-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Uh, no. Kate, I do not want your hair. In fact, the whole hair tiara emerging from beneath an asymmetrical mom bob is pretty annoying. Best of luck with all that tabloid stuff though.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

If you're a mother, have a good day today! More posts to come.

Is it too late to re-register as a Republican?

2008-03-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

Damn you, McCain. Every time I get out, you pull me back in! Do not play this clip in the company of small animals or easily frightened children. Also, don't try to rhyme "McCain" with "Amen" as these women do. Your brain will explode.

Naughty Nachos for McGreevey

2008-03-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

With the trio of politician sex scandals rocking the Northeast these past two weeks, I'm getting tired of learning about how dirty our leaders are. Spitzer broke the law, which is stupid. As for his replacement releasing his affair history? I guess it's good he got that out of the way, but I feel like it's none of our business.

The best story by far was Jim "Gay American" McGreevey's TGIFriday three-way. What a hilariously unappealing story. A limo driver, a closet dweller and his soon-to-be-wife, living their version of a bizarro-world letter to Penthouse. Budget-friendly dinner at TGIFriday's? What a sensual way to stoke the fires of illicit passion!

I took a look at some of the menus at popular chain restaurants, and here are some sure-fire (and cheap!) dishes to heat up your next menage-a-trois:

TGIFridays
Friday’s Three For All: our big-enough-to-share platter features a trio of our most famous appetizers: Loaded Potato Skins, Fried Mozzarella and our spicy Buffalo Wings.
The appetizer that probably inspired the whole sordid affair.

Macaroni Grill
Mama's Trio: Three Italian classics with a delicious new taste. Primo Chicken Parmesan, Layers & Layers of Lasagna and Chicken Cannelloni
The perfect cheese-infused warm-up, to a night of hot gubernatorial action.

Chili’s
Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger: Extra thick-cut jalapeno applewood smoked bacon triple-layered with smoked cheddar, Swiss and provolone cheers, sautéed onions, shredded lettuce, tomato, pickle and jalapeno ranch dressing.
Wow - the description alone sounds dirty.

Fajita Trio: Tender grilled steak, marinated grilled chicken and spicy garlic & lime grilled shrimp. Served sizzling w/onions & bell peppers.
Did somebody say sizzling? I think we’ve got a winner.

Applebee’s
Ultimate Trio: Pick three delicious appetizers from a menu of favorites.
I think with this one, you could pick a better participant than your limo driver.

With delectable delights like this on the menu, you're sure to score sexy points with employees and beards alike!

Florida and Michigan - Hillary Logic

2008-03-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

I had to laugh at this series of videos. Some design firm lurves Obama, and has made some movies to support his cause. Here's one about the delegates from the dumb states.

And here's one on the experience argument:

And here's the VP offer she's put out there:

Sawyer's Sobriquets

2008-03-06T01:16:00.000-08:00

Sawyer from Lost is hot and tortured and badass and endearingly dorky and, most importantly, clever with nicknames. And this is why I lurve him. Enjoy a sampler of his finest work below.

Praise the Lord (of the CW)

2008-03-05T01:32:00.000-08:00

The CW announced that they are renewing Supernatural and One Tree Hill. And Gossip Girl too, which I haven't had the chance to experience, but I am told is delicious. I'm very excited by this development.

I've written about my love for Supernatural before. The premise is simple: pretty, pretty boys driving, crackin' jokes, and kicking ghost and demon ass across our fine country. This is a pleasure that I simply do not feel guilty enjoying. Ackles and Padelecki give good performances, the stories are actually scary, the classic rock soundtrack is great, and it's shot very artistically. I like the mythology they are building, which is something original (a rarity these days, I know). And it provides a welcome escape. It's nice to be able to slip into a world where your atrocious job can be put into perspective. After all, you're not dealing with crazy phenomena.

One Tree Hill is one of those secret favorites of mine. The show is so ridiculous, it reminds me of the kind of story that I would've come up with in the 8th grade. 16-year-olds get married. People have babies at a graduation ceremony, take the baby home and lose all their by weight in time for a party a few hours later. The little town of Tree Hill is an international hub for commerce and entertainment. K-Fed is a credible guest star. This show is the nighttime equivalent of Passions. All the girls have really cute, shiny hair. Haley is a sweetheart, Brooke kicks ass, the basketball boys are cool, and there's plenty going on to be able to completely ignore the Peyton-Lucas will they or won't they conversation of the week.

So thank you CW. You are keeping me well-stocked in the escapist fare I thrive on.

X-Files 2 Movie Teaser - OMG!!!!

2008-02-28T07:28:00.000-08:00

I was a bit of an X-Files geek in my day. I named my boy cat Mulder. I stalked the delicious David Duchovny through the press. I longed to kick ass and take names in high heels, just like Scully. I owned action figures. I wrote a paper in college on the sci-fi fan fiction movement. I still have the VHS tapes, even though I'm not sure if I even remember how to work one of those VCR contraptions anymore. Okay, I was (and still am) a HUGE geek.

Here is very Blair Witch/Cloverfield-esque footage of the teaser for the new X-Files movie. They played it at some fan convention. Much as it pains me to admit it, I started squealing like a little girl when I watched it. I also get a kick out of the fans screeching when they caught quick glances of our beloved Agents Mulder and Scully. We're all a mess over this. I hope there's some nice smooching!

Keeeerayzeeeeeee

2008-02-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

Hillary, sweetie, don't make it easier for your critics, okay?

Lap steel guitars anyone?

2008-02-14T00:32:00.000-08:00

If you like lap steel guitars and crave something other than country, Last Town Chorus is the band for you. I've even written a little about them before. Here is a link to a video from a recent show in Beantown. Cinematographer? Our very own Nick P! Enjoy.

Quality Fisticuffs

2008-02-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

Three of the funniest men on the planet create a little magic without their writers. Enjoy:

Hometown Pride, Super Bowl Edition

2008-01-31T00:51:00.000-08:00

I always confuse Northeasterners when I reveal that I grew up in Phoenix. Why would anyone leave Phoenix for a place like Philadelphia? Well, I had plenty of reasons. Multiple seasons being one of them (although thanks to the enemies of Al Gore and Mother Earth, that's not really true anymore). This has been my home since I left home at 17 for the excitement of college.

My actual hometown is the suburb of Glendale. Used to be that the most exciting thing about Glendale was the annual Glendale Glitters light show in downtown. The Glitter came from draping millions of lights over the city's municipal office building, so Rockefeller Center was never in any danger of losing status. Over the past year though, Glendale has been getting good press.

First came cute Jordin Sparks, the adorable and talented American Idol winner from last season. Sure, Melinda Doolittle was probably better. But Jordin was from Glendale! She rocked out at Arrowhead Center, considered Cold Stone Creamery and Panda Express indie food joints, and had a sunny disposition, just like the rest of us poor saps. What's more American Idol than that?

And now on Sunday, America once again turns its eyes to the place where I grew up. The Super Bowl will be played at the gigantic UFO thingy in the middle of a big desert lot we call a stadium. Univ. of Phoenix Stadium is a fantastic place - I've even taken the tour. So even though I don't know who to support (probably the Patriots because I consider Eli Manning to be a total douche; then again Bill Belichick drives me insane with those cut-off sleeves), I'll be pleased that my hometown is in the glorious national spotlight it kinda deserves.

Plus, nachos!

A Study by the Department of DUH

2008-01-17T06:36:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: Clowns are universally disliked by children because they SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF THEM. I know! How shocking are those results?!? I think that's gotta be one of the most pointless surveys of the past few decades (at least).

LONDON - Bad news for Coco and Blinko — children don't like clowns, and even older kids are scared of them.

That's the finding of a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between 4 and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

"As adults we make assumptions about what works for children," said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university.

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

I for one have always been scared of them, which made me quite the skeptical/terrified circus attendee as a child. They still creep me out to this day. As do most sports mascots, but that's another matter. There's just something sinister about someone who wants to put grotesque makeup on to obliterate their features, dress like a hobo, wear outrageous shoes, honk horns at random intervals, and squirt you in the eye with a fake flowers. Don't even get me started on the clown cars!

The most realistic depiction of a clown in popular culture, or at least the one that most corresponds to my conception of them, has to be Pennywise in Stephen King's IT. The gnashing choppers, the sinister twelve-packs a day voice, the balloons and murder stuff, it all makes sense. Purists may argue that the quesoriffic TV adaptation wasn't even that frightening, but it was scary enough for this 14-year-old to never be interested in reading the undoubtedly terrifying source material.

Does anyone out there in the interwebs like clowns?

J.J. Abrams and the Mystery Box

2008-01-14T06:35:00.000-08:00

J.J. Abrams is awesome; probably the only writer/producer I would mention in the same breath as Joss Whedon. A person so possessed of vision and wit and heart that I will gladly give any project he comes up with a chance. And I haven't been disappointed yet. Anyway, I'm so pumped about the upcoming season of LOST - view the trailer and other material here. My friend Vik sent this to me, a great talk given by J.J. Abrams about his Mystery Box, and how it relates to storytelling. It's long, but well worth it. Particularly for the long-suffering LOST fans out there.

P.S. Cloverfield is out on Friday. Check out that trailer here.

If you liked that last one...

2008-01-10T11:23:00.001-08:00

Visit Wonkette to vote on the dance-off between Barack Obama and David Gregory. It's compelling stuff.

Maybe there should be a talent competition as part of the campaign process - I know I'd be a lot more political.

Illadelph Newlife

2008-01-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

All hail new Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter, the last great hope for our scarred metropolitan area. I have always held this adorably dorky reformer in the highest regard. I can't wait to see what he can do for our fallen city. And now I can rest assured that we're going to have a good time cleaning this place up. He's quite simply a legend:

Giving new meaning to the phrase "Eat Me"

2008-01-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

I am actually going to blog about my wedding at some point with photos, but I think my vendors would agree that I was never this crazy with my requests. Check out this wedding cake. Perfect for the bride who thinks she's simply delicious!

I gotcha back, dawg

2007-12-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

Switching around the dial this morning, I got to see the worst line of dialog ever recorded in the course of motion picture history. "Crossover" is a modern-day exploitation film starring Wayne Brady as a basketball agent hustler dude. These guys are the potential b-ball stars he is tempting into a life of skirting NCAA regulations. Will they escape life working at fake Foot Locker? Only time will tell. In the meanwhile, enjoy the tight bond of two best friends. They reeeeeeeeeally look out for each other.

Topanga in chains

2007-12-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

Did you ever watch Boy Meets World? Were you ever horrified at how terrible the main character's girlfriend treated him and confused by his devotion to her? If so, you're probably psyched to see that demanding witch Topanga and her crazy lips have been arrested.

Think About It

2007-12-18T14:49:00.001-08:00

It's the time of the year when you should think about your fellow man. Just like the Conchords said:

I realized today that I had a bunch of posts in draft form that I never published, so I'm releasing them as I contemplate adding actual new content. Stay tuned (if you're still out there, that is).

Esteban in Pain

2007-11-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

My poor little red hatchback, once described by a friend as a "cute pregnant rollerskate," is having some work done. The brake lights are draining the battery, and thus it has been stowed away at the dealership until they can locate some magic widget that will make it better. One of the best things about having a warranty is that they give you a rental car to get around. The only problem occurs when they have just one car left. It's not actually a car. It's a van. A mini-van. With Limo lighting!

I'll get my beloved Esteban (don't ask) back tomorrow, and then I'll have to return my pimped-out Grand Caravan. Boo. I think.

Organic Bearitos

2007-10-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

I found this in the healthy part of the supermarket. They look awesomely terrible. How would this commercial go exactly? When you're hungry for organic tacos, look for the feisty bear caballero on the cross-eyed, bow-legged braying donkey!

Yum.

High Class Prostitute

2007-09-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

The title is a total Google grab, but forgive me. I am getting married next week, which is part of the reason why I never update this damn thing. Here's a reenactment of how Spencer wooed me:

I aspire to be "waitress" beautiful someday. Spencer likes me though, enough to make it official and everything! I'll be away from this for a while, but eventually I will post how things went. Cheers.

It's easy being green

2007-08-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Either I'm becoming a hippie, or Al Gore is starting to get to me. I've taken to toting this thing around in my car. Instead of getting plastic bags, I'm telling people I have a bag and shoving my lunch and groceries into this thing. It's not as hard or as annoying as you might think. If I can do it, you can too. Go green!

Cell Phone Photojournalism - Music Edition

2007-08-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

I just got some cool little microdisc whooseywhatsey that allows me to download the photos on my cell phone easily to my new laptop. Here are some of the highlights of recent shows.

This photo shows the soundboard guy at the Crowded House/Pete Yorn/Liam Finn show this past Friday. I can only imagine he is thinking that Pete Yorn has too many damn guitars in his little band. It was seriously like Spinal Tap at Live Earth, but way less awesome or necessary. Less is more sometimes. Except when you play 'Suspicious Minds' as your closer. Crowded House was so great that I didn't have the thought to take a picture of them. Sorry guys - good show though!

This is from the July Police show at Citizens Bank Park. It was much better than I, or Mr. Stewart Copeland himself for that matter, ever thought it would be. I embarrassed Spencer by laughing uncontrollably at the unintentionally hilarious visualizations of T-Rex skeletons during the 'Walking in Your Shoes' song. I'm simply incorrigible. UPDATE: It has been pointed out to me that the song is actually 'Walking in Your Footsteps'. Yeah, okay, whatever. The flexing fossils were still dumb-looking.

This was the opening act for Michael Penn at World Cafe Live in April or May. I liked this band, The Last Town Chorus, and they knew how to rock a slide guitar. I tried to take video of Michael, but I had the wrong setting going so I didn't get anything at all. He was awesome though, as always.

R.I.P. Weekly World News

2007-08-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ask an erotic question...

2007-08-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

I've been Googling at work for eons and never had such an inappropriate yet funny response. I asked a question about a problem I've had adding a bleed to a document in Quark publishing software. Here is the response I got:

Gay Science-Fiction And Fantasy Erotica - Spectacular Quark 2
Let me handle it. And try not to go anywhere alone." He stood looking at me with ... I wasn't bleeding, but there were deep rips in my coat from the glass. ...
www.scribd.com/doc/226164/Gay-ScienceFiction-And-Fantasy-Erotica-Spectacular-Quark-2 - 47k - Aug 5, 2007 - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

If you have any tips that don't involve gay sex on a starship or something, please let me know.

Nothing compares 2 U

2007-08-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Little known fact: Prince has a huge following in the feline community. Our cat Cordy can't bear to part with his latest record.

All the news that's fit to print

2007-07-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

I now present to you the front page of the Philadelphia Inquirer's website:
Pretty topical and hard hitting, huh? It's been like this all day, too. Well, all sarcasm aside, it is thought-provoking. I wonder what that guy's gym routine is like.

And where this guy gets all his great pillows from:
Pier 1 maybe?

All this outrage is exhausting

2007-07-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

When I heard about Scooter Libby's commutation, handed out by the pathetic Bush administration on the Monday before July 4th (wonder why?), I wasn't surprised. I was disgusted, of course, but not surprised. After all, he and his cronies have gotten away with so much, why wouldn't he just keep pushing the envelope? No one has stopped him yet.

Over the past few days though, I've been thinking about it more and getting angrier. If you were this bad at your job, you'd get fired. Where the hell is the organized outrage over this? Why hasn't Congress moved against him? If so many of the people I know are so angry (Bush voters among them), how can this prevail? Don't we live in America? Isn't the whole reason we exist because of our collective intolerance for tyrants? When will this country snap out of it and demand its rights? I'm fired up, and November of 2008 is an awful long time to wait to express it. I'll keep writing my Senators as if they were useful, but their "thank you for writing" replies won't make me feel any better.

Someone sent me this video clip, and it articulates our Prez's loserdom effectively. Below, Keith Olbermann freaks the hell out and tells Bush to resign. It's a pretty good rant. Too bad he's addressing such a self-entitled moron.

For your Friday viewing pleasure...

2007-07-06T07:18:00.001-07:00

I now present the best thing that ever happened on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the APACHE:

Don't encourage him to be more useless, Steve Jobs!

2007-06-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

201+ murders in Philadelphia to date this year. And where is our esteemed Mayor spending his time? Sleeping in front of the AT&T store to get an iPhone.

We sure will miss you next year, Mayor Street.

Like a rollerskating dream to me

2007-06-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

I know I've been remiss (again) updating this thing, but I had to share something I'm excited about:

XANADU IS FINALLY ACTUALLY REALLY OPENING ON BROADWAY I THINK!

How awesomely terrible is that!?! The ultimate Olivia Newton-John ancient Greek mythology-flavored, Gene Kelly career-tarnishing, Guy from The Warriors degrading, rollerskating saga will be recreated in glorious Broadway Quesovision(tm) starting July 10th. The production had been pushed back due to some serious skating injuries incurred by the cast, but now the wheels are set to roll in the coming weeks. As my friends know (and would probably like to forget), I will watch anything with dancing or skating in it, so this will really hit the spot.

When I heard about the musical being made many moons ago, I was excited about it. Now I am closer than ever to experiencing the wonder of bad Hollywood movie making re-imagined as poorly executed stagecraft. I know only one or two people on the planet who would ever want to see the wrongness with me, but I've got to say I'm pretty jazzed. It should be atrociously bad, but in the best way possible - that's the only way to honor the spirit of the original film. I don't know how exactly they will outline the cast in neon light as they skate around, but I'm hoping the technical gurus have been working overtime on the details.

Ping Pong Diplomacy

2007-05-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me a link to this brilliant piece of sports propaganda. Rapping in support of your team is a time honored tradition in this country. And now I see the trend has gone global. The Chinese National Table Tennis Team has done themselves, their sport, and Mao himself proud. This is much better than the Chicago Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle fiasco, and very catchy.

At the tender age of 11, I myself was the chief architect of a sports rap composed in support of my champion bowling team. We were the Rocking Pins of the Bowlero Bippies Youth league. Located across the street from Rollero, the Phoenix roller skating mecca that defined my youth, the league could not possibly have any other name. Anyway, when INXS ruled the earth my sister and I had a standing date with our teammates each Saturday. We came to dominate the league, and to celebrate our success and further intimidate future opponents, I wrote a rap. (Altogether now: of course you did.) Here is the little bit I can still remember, and I've probably mucked that up all the same. Just recite it to the stereotypical beat all lame mid-80s rap attempts are set to.

We are the Rockin' Pins
And we are here to say
Just step aside and watch us work
We'll beat your sucka team on any day

...blah, blah, blocked out from mind, blah...

We're rackin' up the toughest wins
With Jen, Mike, Dani, and Kris
Go on roll it out, I dare ya kids
We'll pick up the pins that your team will miss

Well, that's my embarrassing personal anecdote for the year. You're welcome.

The Holding Pattern

2007-05-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a prodigious planner. So a lot of the major details of the wedding are taken care of already. Scratch that. Pretty much all of the biggies. Now it's down to the smaller touches, and prep for the big day. To that end, I am putting myself through a boot camp of sorts. No, not one of those personal trainer things. Although I am living on Lean Cuisines and stepping things up at the gym. This boot camp is designed solely to prevent me from becoming a blubbering idiot during the ceremony.

How does one reverse a lifetime of sappy crying? It's rough. I am known to automatically cry at long distance ads, pretty much any show that ever has a sentimental character situations set to a musical montage, the song Downtown by Petula Clark, the schlocky film Titanic, concerts, personal injury or illness, etc. Most embarrassing thing I have ever cried to? That candy bar commercial set to the Cass Elliott song "Make Your Own Kind of Music" with the guy who wears a bunch of the candy bars as a toupee, and no one can bear to tell him what a loser he is, and he lives in this ridiculous dream world and in that crushing 30 seconds, you see him start to realize all is not well with him and then break down in his car, so while you're glad he's living in a delusion and he's brave to walk around the way he wants, you're like yikes. Yeah, I'm pathetic.

To combat my addiction to sobbing, I've been listening to select songs that make me tear up or outright bawl on repeat in my car. The hope is that with repeated exposure, I will steel myself against their sentimental charms and avoid crying all over the place on the wedding day. I am proud to announce that I am now completely immune to the charms of Etta James' At Last. I dare you to play it. I will not get that goofy look on my face and a wet sparkle in my eye. Not that we were going to play that anyway, but still. I'm working on self-control in sentimental situations, and I think it's working out.

Another silly pre-wedding task is trying to secure my future e-mail address. I fully intend to change my name, you see, so reserving an address that makes sense and isn't too dorky is a priority. Unfortunately, Gmail would like me to take on the nom de plume of a dermatologic superhero alter-ego as seen below.

Kristen.****** is not available, but the following usernames are:
sharpright91
general.was.frequent7
quickserious4
clean.complexinator83

I do strive daily to earn a clear complexion-focused moniker, but I don't think that quite captures me. And while "sharpright" does evoke the essence of my speeding, "Fall Guy"-worthy driving style, that doesn't work either. Oh well - back to the drawing board.

Now if only Fergie and her handlers would succumb.

2007-05-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

While knowing this makes me feel better, I don't exactly feel that it should be on CNN's homepage.

Sorry Piano Man fans, but my feud with Mr. Joel has been well established.

The Joys of B2B "Buzz" Marketing

2007-04-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

I just received a hilariously overwrought spam from a local law firm in my work inbox. The subject line screams "Learn From Anna Nicole's Mistakes!" so I figured I had to take a gander. After all, how could a serious law firm use a tabloid saga to sell estate planning?

The index refers to the article as "Anna Nicole Smith: How can you do things differently?" I don't know law firm. Do you have a few hours?

Then the teaser for the "e-alert" makes the case for their hard-hitting expose.

This article examines Anna Nicole's Will and how she did not update it upon major changes in her life: death of a son, birth of a daughter, commitment ceremony to Howard K. Stern. It suggests that the reader learn from these mistakes and be sure to update their plan periodically.

click link below to read full article and to read Anna Nicole's Will:

It may be opportunistic and kind of strange, but I've got to hand it to them. As ridiculous as the message is, they did get me to open it up.

And now, a geek respite

2007-03-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

Of all my embarrassing habits, television is the one I am always happy to dish about. I've been too busy at work to post anything lately, but I figured I'd give my view on things awesome and terrible (and terribly awesome) heading into the final stretch of the TV season.

Former Faves I Am Quickly Losing Patience With

Lost: Still a good show, but the days of wondering about Dharma are completely over. I love certain characters, and play Sudoku when Jack and Kate prattle on about their tragic, stupid pasts.
Grey's Anatomy: So Izzie is in love with George? That doesn't even make sense, but they're going there. You know this show is in trouble when Ellen Pompeo's whine is the least of my grievances.
Veronica Mars: I enjoy watching, but I'm not "OH MY GOD!!!" riveted like I used to be. Still cleverly written, but someone in the writers' room needs to cut some of the 20.5 references to Battlestar Galactica each week. The LoVe plot tortures me, and they've done their best to make Veronica very unlikeable. If this gets cancelled, I'll be sad; but my DVR will thank me.
24: The show is furiously recycling plots with all the fervor of Ed Begley, Jr. at an electric car rally. Which wouldn't be so bad, if they were choosing interesting plots. Give me Jack, kicking ass and taking names for future ass kickings. He's just not present enough this year, and they need him. Hell, he made the Rain Man subplot work!

Top Of The Heap

Heroes: The best show on the air right now, without a doubt. I know I'll be thrilled, challenged, and made to laugh and/or cry each episode. The answers are revealed steadily, the performances are top notch, and I dig all of the characters with the sole exception of the stripper/murderer. Invisible man guy is the best!
Supernatural: I know, it's a show about pretty, pretty boys ghostbusting. But the people behind it have worked on The X-Files and Angel, and they know what they are doing. The dialogue is well written, the music kicks ass, laughs and scares alike abound, and the ongoing "mythology" plot isn't boring. Several episodes this year have had me in tears because of the great performances of those pretty, pretty boys.
The Amazing Race: The last few legs have been poorly designed, but this show is still the best reality venture out there. I'm riveted each week, rooting for my favorites.
South Park: Disgusting? Yes. Wrong? Yes. Hilarious? Hell yeah.
House: My, that's one cranky doctor. I'd love to get away with mouthing off the way he does.
The Office: Funny as sin. And very uncomfortable.
How I Met Your Mother: One of the few sitcoms that's well-written, enjoyable, and full of life.

Queso Queso Queso

Jericho: I sort of speed-watch this to see where they are going with the whole country blowing up thing. The plots are serviceable, yet ridiculous. Gerald McCraney is fairly awesome entering the Wilford Brimley phase of his career. And the mysteries are moving along well enough. (Thank you, Lost, for teaching the industry a valuable lesson.)
CSI: Miami: The writing is terrible, the acting is over the top, and all of the action occurs in the space of one day. But I love it. And in HD, it is without question the most beautiful show on television with all those crazy orange and green and blue hues of Miami. Rock on, Caruso. You are the Pied Piper of Hammy Forensic Puns. Frank?
Bones: I would never say that this is a fantastic show, but it's a lot of fun. Angel and Bones have a lot of chemistry, and the supporting cast crackles.
Dancing With The Stars: I am only watching the segments involving Joey Fatone (the fat one from NSYNC) and Steve Sanders (aka Ian Ziering) while waiting for 24 to start. This week, Joey actually danced to the Star Wars Theme and Steve was fantastic in appropriately tight pants, harkening back to his 90210 salad days. I wish I could just tape that 10 minutes of glory each week. BTW, once Steve Sanders is out, I'm out too.

Craig Ferguson makes sense

2007-02-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

During his monologue Monday night, Craig Ferguson declared he would not make any Britney Spears jokes. He also shared his own struggles with alcoholism and expressed something I've been thinking about for a while. (it's 12 minutes long, but worth it)

I have loved celebrity news and gossip for a long time, but the tone and exploitative nature of the beast seems to have taken a turn for the worse in recent months. Coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death has been disgusting thus far, and only will intensify as the custody battle goes forward. But that particular story spun out of control last October before her death, when her disgusting pimp/drug pusher/companion allowed Entertainment Tonight and The Insider to exploit a poor woman who was obviously still out of her mind with grief over the loss of her son. Anna Nicole's tragedy was big news, but the really disturbing question (i.e. why would someone subject a vulnerable, grieving drug addict to these interviews) was not being posed. She was once again held out for our prying eyes like a freak show. But this was not some drunken dance at an awards show or dumb TrimSpa ad. This was her son's death. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

When the Britney Spears "Cootergate" incidents began happening, I just shook my head. Yes, she was out of control and not wearing panties. But most people who go clubbing don't have a cadre of photographers poised to get the gynecologist's perspective as they exit cars. And in years past, I don't think people would have published something like that. I didn't condone her behavior at the time, but I can think of some nights in my own life where photographic proof would have shamed me. Britney knew she had these people tracking her every movement, so yes, she should have tried to avoid it. But again, she's a human being - with a lot of personal issues. Her exploits just made me feel like she was in trouble, stuck in a downward spiral, and she needed someone to tell her there's another way to deal.

Fast forward a few months: Anna Nicole is dead, and Britney looks determined to join her in the afterlife. Say what you will about Anna Nicole (I was never a fan), but she was used up by her atrocious entourage and the media until there was nothing left. No one stood up and said that this woman needed help, not drugs and tabloid interviews. And now that she is gone, the people who profited from her in life are fighting over profiting from her in death. I hope the circus surrounding her messy exit from this life does not end up destroying the one good thing she had left, her baby.

I also hope that Britney will be able to get help and avoid a similar fate. She is clearly disturbed, and just doesn't know how to cope with what I can only imagine is a seriously crazy life. When I heard that she had shaved her head, I felt a darkness come over me and settle in the part of my brain that adores reading US Weekly at the gym. I just can't find it funny anymore. Craig Ferguson is right. Schadenfreude isn't as hilarious when the stakes are human life.

One down

2007-02-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first anniversary of the my father's death. I can't believe it's already been a full year. They say the "firsts" are the hardest, and from what I can tell they're right. Some days the pain is almost as sharp as when I first heard the news. So much has happened in just this one year that he missed. The Bad: two accidents, illness, surgery, a pile of stress. The Good: an engagement, a national award, a promotion, an eventual clean bill of health. I know that he is with me in a way, but I miss him so much, and my annus mirabilis/horribilis only served to underline how much I thrived on both his praise and support. But overall, I feel like I'm handling things pretty well now. Especially with the god-forsaken holidays behind me.

Not being sure just how to commemorate such a terrible event, I went into work and kept myself busy. What could possibly be gained from sitting at home? I couldn't think of any memorial gesture he would enjoy - he just hated all that stuff and thought that it was sappy. Instead, I decided to do something he wouldn't mind. I made one of his recipes, a stew that he would often make as his form of comfort food for us.

My dad was not a cook by any stretch of the imagination. His main meal ideas involved telling me or my mom what to cook. Or what to pick up. But he did make two things. The first was eggs and potatoes. The second was his storied "poor man's stew." Poor man's stew became a legend, mostly because my dad was prone to exaggerating its origin and tying it in to the Great Depression and the ingenuity of the American Spirit or something. We always knew the details were completely fake, but we appreciated the creativity applied to the dish's genesis story. So straight from Herm's stockpile of homemade recipes featuring convenience foods, I give you the recipe.

Herm's Poor Man's Stew
Ingredients:

two cans Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Beef Soup
one can Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Soup
one cup of water
half a box of elbow macaroni (approximately half a pound)
one package of Ball Park Franks

Directions:
Set eight hot dogs into a medium pot of water on high heat. Pour all three soup cans into a large pot and set the heat on high. Fill up one of the empty cans 3/4 full of water and add that to the soup. Pour in the elbow macaroni. Add salt and ground pepper to taste. When boiling, turn down the heat to medium and remember to stir every few minutes so it doesn't fuse with the bottom of the pot.

At about the time your soup gets into boil mode, you'll notice that your hot dogs are starting to cook. Boil them until they are on the brink of implosion. Take them out one by one, chop them into small pieces, and drop them into the stew pot. Be sure to share some of the hot dog bits with any children, pets, or adults who may be hovering nearby. Keep that motley stew simmering until the pasta is cooked and you are happy with the consistency. Pour into bowls and enjoy the wrongness.

Enjoy this with the ones you love enough to pretend to cook for. Cheers, Dad.

ifilm to the rescue

2006-12-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

When youtube pulled this most excellent music video a few months ago, I was heartbroken. And also too damn lazy to see if it was up anywhere else. Here is the saga of John McClane. Too late to honor the first film's legacy as one of the finest Christmas movies ever made, but plenty relevant with the recent release of the Die Hard 4 trailer. Yippee ki-yay!

'Twas the Morning of Christmas

2006-12-29T12:08:00.000-08:00

And all along the lane
Not a present was opened
Which did not involve Horatio Caine.
Delighted with our autographed headshot,
we carefully packed it away for a safe travel lot.
Spencer in his Eagles jersey, and I in orange 'flops,
set out to find a decent (read: OPEN) bar for hops.

Imagine our delight, felt once again in Illadelph,
when visited by another most generous elf.
In a package wrapped in paper that resembled angel wings,
we found a box of pun-heavy crimesolving things.

Opened the box and there he stood, a hands-on-hips vision of Christmas joy for the masses.
Our hearts leapt when the mysterious red-headed figure took off his sunglasses.
He exclaimed to us as he drove off in a slow motion Hummer, bathed in a glorious orange light,
"Merry Christmas to all, Frank, and to all a good night."

Aural Egg Nog

2006-12-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

When it comes to the holidays, I am late with everything. Decorations, cards, shopping: pretty much everything. Including posting this article. Even though I'm feeling a bit Bah Humbug about Christmas this year, I still enjoy the music of the season. And for that reason, I will share with you my favorite Christmas tunes.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Judy Garland: I love the Judy, and I love the movie this came from (Meet Me In St. Louis). It's the perfect mix of melancholy and hope that things will get better. Seriously makes me teary-eyed every time.

Do They Know It's Christmas Time, Band Aid: Kind of ridiculous messaging if you realize for a moment that a huge portion of the population doesn't celebrate xmas or ever have snow to be wistful about not having around at xmas. So awesome though to have U2, Wham, Bananarama, Duran Duran, Culture Club, and all my 80s brit faves singing together for the betterment of mankind. Beats "We Are The World" in a landslide.

Mele Kalikimaka, Bing Crosby: Just because I like to say Mele Kalikimaka all year round. Try it. It's fun!

Christmas Wrapping, The Waitresses: This song is so me, waiting in line all sullenly in high school and early college at the Circle K on the holidays, glad to have a moment to myself where I didn't have to be pretend to believe in Santa.

Sleigh Ride, Johnny Mathis: Spencer likes to make fun of me because not only did I mistakenly think Johnny Mathis was Polynesian, but also I thought he was straight. Who knew? This proud gay black man sings one hell of a Christmas classic.

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart, Wham!: So awesome to hear the sad George Michael all dumped and sad. I always dreamed that I would be the someone special he gave his heart to next year. Little did I know then just how impossible that was.

Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives: I love how warm Burl's voice is. And I remember fondly all those musicals he did for Disney back in the day. Plus? His name is BURL IVES. How awesome is that?

Christmas in Hollis, Run DMC: Love it - and the video kicks ass!

Carol of the Bells: I have performed this is in several choirs, and to this day I can't help but giggle a little when the baritones start ringing in with "Ding DONG Ding DONG." Very cool when it comes together, and blessedly short.

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee: I love Brenda Lee, and her voice is so great with the part that goes "voices singing let's be jolly / DECK the halls with boughs of hahaholly".

Is there a tune you could listen to all year round? For me, it's definitely the Band Aid song. I love synthesizers, what can I say?

If you celebrate the holiday, Merry Christmas. And if you don't, Happy Monday!

Dumb "Hip" Marketing Idea of the Week

2006-12-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

The makers of Equal have always had their finger on the pulse of American consumer trends. To increase their market share in the face of increased competition from the likes of Splenda, they've hit upon a new strategy. They hired some hipster ad agency to take a time machine back to 1999 and copy the Heinz Ketchup "talking label" campaign.

That's right: aggressive campaign slogans and ironic titles printed on packaging. The most satisfying part? I can rip these up without making too much of a mess. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy that new *NSync album. I think that lead singer with the curly blond hair could go solo if he wanted to.

The Blessed Event - Update the First

2006-12-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

I have been planning my wedding since late summer, and this weekend came the scariest step of all. No, it wasn't choosing the location. Or settling on the caterer. Both of those came to us fairly easily, and we couldn't be happier. It was, alas, the dress.

I selected a lovely dress, which I know will ultimately look great. But now comes the toughest part for a neurotic looney bird like me. You see, when you buy the dress, you're actually just buying a piece of paper with your measurements on it. Six months later, they call you and tell you that the dress is ready. And all you can do is pray that what shows up is what you ordered.

Half a year of second guessing. Six months of seeing other wedding dresses and wondering if I should have gone in a different direction. 26 weeks of using my OCD powers to worry that I misplaced the receipt and will not be allowed to claim it should it be delivered error-free. 182.5 days of potential doubt.

I vacillate between joy and terror on the subject. Jazzed by the dress, the deal, the way I looked. Afraid that I pulled the trigger a little too early. Thank god I have people around me to talk me down in times of doubt like these. Of course, they'll probably be burned out on this topic by February, but that's another post altogether.

Horatio Hornblower

2006-11-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

I swear I'm going to do a real post soon, but a friend sent this little slice of Horatio heaven to me today and I must share it with the world. Watching this gives you all of the enjoyment of watching CSI:Miami with none of the ridiculous full plots to follow. Roger Daltrey sounds like he needs a lozenge. The best of all time, this season's opener in Brazil is included. And now, welcome to CheeSI:Miami - the all-Horatio Caine edition.

A Most Spooktacular Crap Film Festival

2006-10-31T07:23:00.000-08:00

On this bonechilling day of horrors, I wanted to share some demonically entertaining treats. To start our little frightfest off, I give you the trailer to TEEN WOLF:

Here is the awesome and hilarious ONCE BITTEN dance-off scene, starring Jim Carrey and Lauren Hutton (and that girl who kinda looks like the Silver Spoons lady):

And for the most horrifying clip of all, here is TEEN WITCH's infamous "Top That" rap battle:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Now, it's a left at Cuba, then a right after three lights...

2006-10-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

Mapquest, in its infinite helpfulness, provided the above image as my overall map route for a trip later today. Mind you, I am just trying to figure out how to get to a happy hour roughly 10 miles away. At least I know for sure I don't need a passport to enjoy my Monday Margarita. What a relief!

Why I never spend any time on MySpace despite my festive page

2006-10-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

Hi Kristen,

You have been invited to join the girls modeling show group on MySpace.

Fall TV Preview

2006-09-15T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm an admitted television junkie. Always have been, always will be. At the start of each new season, I figure out what new things I'm going to try. Thankfully, the DVR era means that I am able to at least maintain some favorites when television executives decide to schedule everything of note in the same three timeslots. Here now is a look at what I'll be watching (for a little while at least). In a few weeks, the herd will thin out considerably.

Sunday

The Amazing Race: The best competitive reality show out there, and the one I am least ashamed to admit watching. I look forward every episode to seeing what kind of khaki pants Phil will be rockin'.

Monday

The Class/How I Met Your Mother: HIMYM is a reliably funny show (viva Neil Patrick Harris!), and I'll give The Class a try. After all, one of the stars is a friend of a friend who actually catsit for me a few years ago. How better to express my continued gratitude than to catch his show?

Heroes: The sci-fi dorky angle of this show really appeals to me, so I'll give it a gander. Plus Sean from Felicity, aka Agent Weiss from Alias, aka the pilot guy from Lost, Greg Grunberg, is scheduled to appear. Smoothaise!

Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip: Spencer really wants to watch this, diehard West Wing fan that he is, so I'll check this one out. It won't distract me, however, from my true love...

CSI: Miami: Horatio Caine is back! And he starts this sure to be cheesetastic season in Brazil of all places, bringing his suave brand of overacting monotone to South America. Perhaps there they will understand his fiery hands-on-hips law enforcement bluster. This is easily the most unintentionally hilarious show on network TV, and I intend to stick with it until the last poorly-edited, club-thumping labwork montage airs.

Tuesday

Gilmore Girls/Veronica Mars: The Cool Girls Power Hours are united at last on The CW, and I couldn't be more excited!

House: We watch House, because House is awesomely cranky and sarcastic and mean. This beats out Law & Order: D'Onofrio, simply because as much as I love the D'Onofrio, CI is on 12 hours a day on basic cable.

Wednesday

Bones: It's not the best show, but the cast is fun, and I have to support my beloved Angel. He's looking pretty hot these days, less vampire bloat to him.

Jericho: This looks interesting, and since it appears to touch on the "is it, like, the end of civilization?" vibe I explored in my shitty first attempt at a young adult novel, I've got to check it out.

Lost: Yeah, it can be frustrating, but it's still one of the best shows on the air. I hear Desmond is going to be on a lot, so that's a plus for me.

Thursday

My Name is Earl/The Office: Two great tastes that taste great together.

Ugly Betty: The word on this is good, and it should be right up my alley.

Grey's Anatomy: I'm absolutely hooked on this show, and there's no hope for me. I'm going to have to either tape The OC, or say goodbye to it once and for all because I can't not watch.

Supernatural: Pretty, pretty boys fighting ghosts and assorted creepiness! In a muscle car! To a classic rock soundtrack! With their hunky and troubled dad! How can I resist?

Friday/Saturday

Watching Nothing At All: Now that's an easy thing to commit to.

"Why Don't You Just Tell Me The Movie You're Trying To See"

2006-09-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Finally, Hollywood condenses a year of crappy movies into one stellar production. What a time saver! Can't wait to see this one.

I Turn My Camera On (some more)

2006-09-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Here's another entry in my casual and poorly photographed cell phone travel series. Driving through the suburbs, I caught sight of this curiously named ambulance company's van. This inspired many troubling questions as we sat together at the light and I tried to work out possible ProLife Ambulance taglines.

ProLife Ambulance: Jeopardizing female reproductive rights since 1992.

Tired of EMTs accidentally giving you abortions? Call ProLife today!

"When the Lord strikes me down for preaching a gospel of hatred, I know ProLife's team will have my back." - Pat Robertson

ProLife Ambulance: 'Cause Anti-Death sounds morbid.

When you absolutely, positively have to survive the ride to the hospital.

ProLife Ambulance: Saving the Delaware Valley from Contraception for over 15 Years

Free to be: Anti-choice (my apologies to the CW)

ProLife: We'll try really hard not to kill you.

Maybe I can get a freelance consulting gig out of this. Do you have any other slogan ideas?
If we get a decent one put together, the jingle will come quite easily. After all, I can always model on that insipid W.B. Mason office supply commercial.

Office Supply Swag

2006-09-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

The culture of swag is a venerable institution which has been under attack for some time now. Because the world is a totally logical place to live in, the only citizens to receive free awesome stuff are the only citizens who could have afforded to buy it retail in the first place. Stories about Jessica Simpson being a gift hog have been in the press for a while, and her disgusting VMA haul is legendary at this point.

Now that the IRS has laid down the law regarding the taxation of gift bags, I am faced with a terrible dilemma. When an office worker receives a fame-appropriate level free gift from an office supply warehouse, must she declare it on her 1040? Also, should she even acknowlege the swag when it's this:

Sadly, no hand sanitizer was included in the package. It's just a lonely dispenser, and since I have too much ambition to put it on my office wall as a joke, I'm afraid it will go on unused. I guess that's what yard sales are for.

Link 182

2006-08-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

Ah, my sweet alma mater. Not only has Penn dropped to #7, but now it's cultivating a staff full of dirty old man professors hell bent on sexual assault and enhancing their already prodigious child pornography collections. Go Quakers!

The CBS Publicity Photoshoppers have mad skillz! I'd like them to rework all of my pictures since the age of five or so.

Paula Abdul, wasted yet again on national tv. Of course, I'm actually more concerned that she's building up her shoulder muscles like a mid-80s action star. Her neck is becoming a tree trunk!

Eureka!

2006-08-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

I've been very terrible at keeping this blog fresh, and that's been mostly due to the insanity of my work situation. I'm keeping my head down and making progress, so that's a least clearing up. Now is the time on Abbondanza! when we make a confession. It's kind of a big deal, and I hope my noble readers won't think any less of me.

So, you know that Sudoku craze? The one that I decried because I proclaimed it to be a crossword puzzle for illiterates? The thing that I said was a witless number quiz for people who can only count to 9? See, I still sort of believe that. But the truth goes a little deeper. Despite my advanced calculus and statistics training, I have always stunk at logic, the underlying principles governing the successful completion of Sudoku puzzles. Part of my bluster was actually an attempt to conceal my inability to solve them.

Today, however, I have had a breakthrough. I just solved one with no help whatsoever. I don't know what it is, but the layout of the Inquirer's online Sudoku cleared up the concepts for me, and now I am cruising through them.

I have to apologize partially to anyone whose Sudoku enthusiasm I may have quelched with my acidic rage. It was only the shame talking. Now, if only I could see the hidden images in those posters at the mall...

Alas, Poor Pluto! I Knew Him, Horatio (Caine)

2006-08-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

This just in - Pluto has been demoted! It's no longer a planet! And for some reason, it makes me sad. I watched a special on one of those science channels on digicable not two weeks ago which discussed this possibility. At the time I laughed so heartily at the Pluto supporters and thought they were wasting their time. After all, shouldn't they get militant about something more pressing like global warming?

But now, a sense of loss has poured over me, as I think of how this destroys my favorite mneumonic device. Sing it with me if you know the words: "My Very Educated Mother, Just Served Us Nine Pizza-Pies." I finally get why those wacky scientists were upset. Now the tune is much sadder. My Very Educated Mother, Just Served Us NOTHING! How depressing is that?

Title Note: Of course I would report this to David Caruso's magnificent CSI: Miami crime scene investigator. Only a sensitive fake cop like Horatio Caine could understand my anguish at a time like this, and appropriately rip off his shades and put his hands on his hips in his signature "sympathetically outraged" response.

Every Great Action Movie Franchise Should Have a Song

2006-08-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Damn you 20th Century Fox! Damn you! The video was like free advertising! Ack.

A friend who knows how much I love both Bruce Willis and the Die Hard trilogy (soon to be a quadrilogy!) sent me this clip.

And here I thought the theme song from Ghostbusters 2, "On Our Own" by Bobby Brown, was the only song to so tidily sum up a movie's premise. This "Die Hard" anthem covers a whole trilogy, all while kicking some major ass!

The Letter

2006-07-31T08:10:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan gets publicly yelled at by her boss, and it's pretty awesome. It's a shame her own mother/manager can't control her, but she seems to be out partying all night too (when not appearing on Access Hollywood to defend her daughter's right to be up all night drinking and drugging her way through LA's finest skank clubs). I hope she takes this seriously and gets back to work. She's very talented, so it's more upsetting when she acts like Paris Hilton and the other coked-out party whores who don't deserve to be famous. Take your life back Lindsay! And lay off the smokes, dear. You're starting to sound like Suzanne Pleshette.

It's a nice day for a WHITE WEDDING

2006-07-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Can you feel the Billy Idol menace and lip curl from that title through the monitor? Ah well, me neither.

This past weekend I had the honor of serving as a bridesmaid for one of my best friends, Cala. She got married on Saturday to a strapping scientist named Vik. The ceremony took place just outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico in a place called Bernalillo. I had not been back since I was 12, so it was nice to check things out. The food and culture and even the weather is very reminiscent of Phoenix, my hometown. Here is my attempt at a brief travelogue, with pictures sprinkled throughout.

I arrived Wednesday night, and promptly got down to business. Thursday morning I got to conspire with my fellow maids on a casual bachelorette soiree. After the scheming, I began crafting my ass off. I tied things and cut things and tied some more things, all in the service of Cala's exquisite favors and programs. I got a tour of the UNM campus from Cala (go Lobos), and then got prepped for the bachelorette dinner.

I was a little nervous at first walking into that group, because they had all known each other forever and I was the "East Coast Interloper." They really made me feel welcome though. Lucrecia, Nikki and Alisha were so friendly, sweet and fun. I got such a big kick hanging out, conspiring, kvetching, sharing makeup and laughing with these girls. Cala has very cool friends, and I was made to feel like part of the group, so I was very comfy. In fact, we even started a gang of sorts. Our calling card? Packs of Dick Tarts in strategic flavors.

Friday was the day of the rehearsal dinner. Cala and her mom accompanied Lucrecia and I to the nail salon so we could get our manis and pedis on. The fine ladies at Saigon Nails drew blood from me, but what do you really expect from a $10 manicure administered in 7 minutes? I still have the color on my toes, and it's fantastic. I need to find the equivalent and use it all summer long. While the pedicure was kind of scary and violent, I enjoyed the results and have decided to get them at least once a month.

Once we packed up, we traveled to the B&B where the wedding was held and set up camp. We started getting ready with hair and makeup, then helped Cala with hers. She then got to dress in a gorgeous sari brought from India by members of Vik's family. His mother dressed Cala, and we all got to watch in wonder. Saris are not easy outfits to get into, but they look so beautiful, and Cala's in particular was such a perfect color for her. After a brief rehearsal,we went to a place called the Frontier for the dinner. The Frontier is open 24 hours, and has a lot of eclectic artwork. The food was good, and the conversation was fun. We convinced the bride and groom to join us at a bar called Anodyne afterwards. We didn't stay out too late, but we had a blast. The first thing we saw inside was a ginormous dog sitting in a booth. The row of billiard tables and laid-back vibe made it a great spot to have a couple of drinks and hang. It was like a much nicer Buffalo Billiards.

Afterwards, the groups were re-divided to drive back to Bernalillo. We lost our guide to another car, but we managed to find our way back to the main highway and got home alright. Before turning in, we stopped at a gas station. Nick and I decided that in addition to bottled water, we really needed Power Ball tickets to survive the night. I made Nick pay for the Power Play option, so we were both out $4 (and are still out to this day, unless he secretly won and isn't planning on coughing up the winnings we promised each other). Back in the room, Spencer and Nick helped deal with a couple of major beetles. I was pretty freaked out, and then I opened up the sheets on our bed to find a sizable dead spider. Needless to say, Friday night was fairly sleepless.

Saturday was the big day. We woke up early to help with chairs, table placecards, and crafting the table set-up "template." After a ton of rushed work, and a fun trip to the local Walgreens to secure final makeup and hankies for the ceremony, we did some more prep. The owner of the inn was kind of a handful, and she was stressing people out right and left. Luckily, the maids and I carved out some time in the middle of the madness to practice our big poetry reading. I managed to get out of reading the verses that included references to a duck since I was sure that I would screw it up and say "dick" a la Dick Tarts during the ceremony (please excuse the crappy photo, but I'm afraid of what will come up if I try to Google an image). We came up with some sweet Motown-inspired choreography with Cala's mom, but ultimately decided that we'd save that for the reception.

Cala's photographer Vlad showed up and took tons of candid pictures of the prep. Getting Cala ready was fun, and I ended up doing her hair with the assistance of flowers, hairspray, and awesome shine wax stuff. God bless product. Then we got to string our poor bride up in her corset. Lucrecia and I made a good team, and remembered all the helpful hints from Frederick's of Hollywood. It's like a huge iceskate. That's really all you need to know to succeed. All primped and ready, it was time for the couple to be revealed to each other before the photo shoots. That was a very special moment, and I helped lead Cala backwards to her suprise. She almost ended up in a bush, but I steered her out of the way at the last minute and crisis was averted (thank you stunt driving skills!).

The ceremony was lovely, and our poem went off without a hitch. The winds started to pick up, and the judge just kept on rockin' till the ceremony was over. About two seconds afterwards, a crazy hail storm started up. The carnage was massive. Okay, I just got some ice pellets on the forehead and the bridal party's table was trashed. We moved our group under the tent when it was over and the party began in earnest.

The dances and toasts came after dinner. Everything was just lovely. Alisha and I kept threatening, in lieu of a toast, to perform our a cappella version of "The Rose," Bette Midler's classic song experiencing a revival of sorts (for me anyway) thanks to its use in Napoleon Dynamite. Needless to say, we practiced self-control and did not. Lucrecia gave a lovely toast after Vik's brother went. He was very much prepared, with a long-ass piece of paper and everything. Both of them did well. Then it was time to dance! Nick and I jumped onto the floor the moment they started playing "Let's Go Crazy," our party modus operandi. We had an awesome time, laughing and chatting until way past the bride and groom's beddy-bye time.

I won't bore you with Sunday details, other than to say American Airlines sucks, one should not try to fly standby, and if one does, you should not do it at the ABQ airport, where you probably need to visit five or six vendors to get a complete meal put together.

I had an amazing time. By the end of the long weekend, I felt like I had met so many great people, and even identified some dedicated "crashers" for my wedding in Fall of '07. Plus I got to see one of my nearest and dearest get hitched to a great guy, who truly makes her happy. All of this makes my heart smile.

Mazel tov, Cala & Vik!

Waiting for Tim Gunn's Call

2006-07-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I completed an emergency fashion assignment at work with such speed and self-assured style that I am now convinced that I belong on Project Runway. My intern came into work with formal shorts, which may have been all the rage a few months ago with celebrities, but are still banned by our corporate dress policy. Faced with the possibility of sending her all the way home to change on a day when I needed her help badly, innovation came calling. I went down to my car, got the pashmina shawl my boss gave me two years ago as a gift out of the trunk of my car (where it has rested for every moment of those two years), grabbed a few paperclips in the mailroom and got to work. Before you could say "voila," I had whipped up an adorable little wrap skirt. My intern was embarrassed at first, but she started getting compliments from people who had no idea it was "homemade" and told her how cute it was.

So I guess I will be getting my application together for Project Runway's fourth season. As long as it has a theme of "improvised fashion using commonplace office supplies," I should be golden.

Congrats to Lance Bass

2006-07-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

This was on E!Online this morning:

OUT AND ABOUT: After growing tired of hearing rumors about his sexuality, Lance Bass confirming to People magazine that he is gay and involved with Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl. "I'm more liberated and happy than I’ve been my whole life," the ex-boy-bander told the magazine.

Good for you Lance! I'm glad that you're out and happy about it. And Reichen is a cutie. It's ridiculous in this day and age that people can't feel free to be themselves. It stinks that the media basically forced it on you, because it really shouldn't even be an issue, but I guess that's the price of celebrity these days. I'm also excited that I was right that you couldn't really be dating that annoying 2nd oldest girl from 7th Heaven in real life. I didn't definitively peg you as gay at the time, but I knew it had to be a publicity sham.

Boy, Lance always generates the best headlines from that band. Coming out, trying to go to space, and helping police track a killer in the backwoods of Florida (TRL does a body good). Who says Justin is the most interesting 'NSYNCer? Hottest, Justin still wins hands down. Sorry Lance.

Firestarter

2006-07-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

For some reason last night, the Billy Joel opus "We Didn't Start the Fire" (WDSTF) came up in a conversation about wedding songs. No, it's not a wedding song and anyone who would choose that for their first dance would probably be some 18 year-old P.A. on the song's video shoot that Joel was getting married to for publicity. Or to have someone to drive him home after his benders, thereby protecting trees and buildings and people all over Long Island.

Where was I? Oh yes, the conversation. We were talking about some typical wedding songs, and "She's Got A Way" came up, and then talk turned to Mr. Joel's career and how many chestnuts he had before he lost his mind and became a victim of historical tourette's syndrome and made WDSTF. See the lyrics here.

Joel has had some great songs, and you know I love "Still Rock & Roll to Me" and "Say Goodbye to Hollywood," among others. No matter what you think of the man, he's got an ability to create instantly memorable, catchy tunes on the fly. That being said, he's also annoying to behold. First of all, he copyrighted his own name so that when his albums are listed in Columbia House catalogs, he's not Billy Joel, he's Billy Joel Circle R. Second, he likes to play dueling pianos with Elton John, which is pretty hilarious, but he won't dress appropriately in shimmering sunglasses and flowing silk and Donald Duck costumes. Thirdly, since 1989 he has tortured everyone in junior high or high school with WDSTF.

WDSTF is a ridiculous rat-a-tat rhyme of random historical events and personnages stung together with an ersatz boppy backing track. Like the crazy man at the train station, Joel just blurts out names and places as it suits his purpose. He doesn't comment on them or try to tie things together. And when he can't make the rhyme fit, he'll end a line with a glib exclamation. Perfect example: "JFK / Blown away / What else do I have to say?" Geeze Billy, I don't know. How's about you mention "Princess Grace / Wrecked her car / Jesus Christ Superstar" or "Don King / Not Tyson's friend / Plastic straw made to bend"?

Like a bizarro, dorky cheerleader on crack, Joel just runs through his routine. And much like the drunken crowd at your average football game, the nation's history and civics teachers ate it up. Not only did we have to learn the lyrics to the song in my history class the year it came out; we also had to the next. Learning is not bad, but spending part of two years listening to teachers talking about Billy Joel like he was the second coming was torture. I still hear of people teaching this song, and referring to its wit and brilliance. Very strange considering it reads like a card catalog.

WDSTF is not a deep statement about anything. It's more like "what stuff from the past can I remember and shout out in a rhyme for three minutes." It's as subtle as an anvil falling on your head. Which is surprising, because the other two legs of his whole social awareness triumvirate, "Downeaster Alexa" and "Allentown" are much more lyrically astute. And now with Sufjan Stevens making intelligent and thoughtful records about the states, WDSTF looks like an even crappier "history" "lesson."

Ribbon backlash begins in earnest!

2006-07-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've been annoyed about those ribbons on the back of cars for a long time, but I think the worm is turning. Driving through Roxborough the other day, I saw a great Fibbon(TM)*.

It's difficult to see the writing, but I have "enhanced" the image for your enjoyment. While this is a great development, the fact that the same car is rocking an autism ribbon at the same time makes it a bit of a hollow victory. Now that I look at it more closely, it's clear that with not one but TWO magnetic sports decals fighting the ribbons for your attention on the trunk, it may be time for an intervention. I'll keep my eyes open for more of these and report back with creepy cell phone pics whenever possible.

*Fibbon is Abbondanzese for Faux or Fake Ribbon; a ribbon designed to make you laugh, not change the world.

Why you should never rely on your cell phone camera

2006-07-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

So the last couple of business trips I took, I totally forgot my real camera. That shouldn't matter, I have a handy dandy cell phone with a fancy camera that zooms in. With that idiotic thought in mind, I now present the only two salvageable pics from the camera. What a craptastic travelogue:

Denver's capitol building, in all its scaffolded glory, from the main downtown shopping drag, 16th Street. I was not impressed with anything there. Please note that there is a lot of construction stuff in the foreground of the shot. You can't really see it with the fuzz, but it was there. Also, it was too damn hot to bother walking any closer to the building. That's why I'm approximately half a mile away.

In Detroit's airport, there is a crazy red bullet train thing. You were allowed to ride it between gates, but I was afraid to simply because the thing looked like it was riding unsupported in the air. I paid the ultimate price for my cowardice, when my trip down to the Quiznos in ill-advised shoes ended with a tragic blister on my left pinkie toe. This picture looks much crisper than the Denver one. I must have been drunk on the Coors or something.

The moral of the story? Bring your damn camera.

A Tasteful Way To Go

2006-07-05T07:27:00.000-07:00

The WB is actually signing off this September with an enormous amount of class. I know, hard to believe given that they always turned their backs on great shows in the end. The final broadcast night, September 17th, will feature a five-hour block of the best shows The WB had to offer. From 5-10, they will broadcast the pilot episodes of Felicity, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dawson's Creek. Interspersed will be major WB promo campaigns of the past, as well as a tribute montage of all the shows they have broadcast over the years.

The WB had such a keen eye in terms of their marketing, so it will be great to see those promos again. I know, how dorky that I love those things, right? But most were put together really well and fun to watch, making you feel as if the network was a coherent, glamorous destination where you and your friends belonged, even if only ironically. You can click here to see the Faces campaign of 1999, a classic which brings together all of the shows I loved the most (Buffy, Angel, Roswell, Dawson's Creek, Popular, Felicity). Although, if you long to see Xander in a pimp hat checking out ladies at a club, click here to see The Night Is Young campaign of 2000.

And I know that I will be reduced to tears with their big montage. I'm a sucker for montages (thank you 80s cinema), and they always choose the right music. It will also remind me of that past, so far away now simply because I've grown up and the world has changed. Watching Felicity's latest blunders with my roommate and cringing with the knowledge of what it's like to make the same blunder yourself freshman year. Getting together with a group of friends to cheer on Buffy and Angel as they saved us all from the latest apocalypse. Raging against the 7th Heaven machine. Trying to explain the "mythology" of Roswell with a straight face. Swooning as Pacey declares his love for Joey and plotting strategies with my girlfriends to find real-life Paceys of our own. Laughing along with the crackling dialogue of Gilmore Girls. Figuring out how One Tree Hill went from terribly awesome to awesomely terrible in 1.5 seasons. Making fun of Dawson's stupid forehead. You know, golden moments. More importantly, great excuses to call or get together more often and come up with our own in-jokes based on the ridiculous antics of our most loved and loathed characters.

The demise of the network is a kinda sad event for me. I am, after all, an eternal teenager at heart. The WB fulfilled my need for melodrama and angst, all set to awesome music with pretty, pretty people in cool clothes, for nearly a decade. I can't think of a better way to honor both the good shows and the overall WB experience. I'll be watching for sure.

Wow

2006-06-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

Cuba is more progressive, tolerant and educated about sexuality than the United States. No wonder our government still hates Fidel so much, 50 years after the revolution.

Dead Ringers

2006-06-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me a link to myheritage.com. If you just register with the site, you can try out their face recognition software online. You can upload a picture and the service matches it to either their big database, or the celebrity database consisting of "3200 of the world's most famous faces." Using it this afternoon I have noticed that a lot of the responses really depend on the angle of the photo.

I wanted to cry when my first upload said that I looked like Charles DeGaulle, Tom Hanks, or Tom Berenger. I pretty much welled up when the next pegged me as a doppleganger for Harvey Keitel. But then I discovered that you can click a button to choose male or female results, which made me feel a little better. Not that I think I look remotely like Nicole Richie, Liv Tyler, Mischa Barton or Catherine Deneuve, but at least it's in the right gender group.

I decided to test the program by running the face of one Mr. Don King. Surely, I thought, he must be one of the "3200." Result? Bupkes. I ran another on Luke Perry. This time, it came up with multi-gendered responses. Including Douglas Fairbanks, who was also mentioned in my matches. First, why didn't his picture come up? Also, does this mean Luke Perry and I look alike? For my final celebrity challenge I tried a photo of Catherine Zeta-Jones. Finally, it registered an actual celebrity. But if Douglas Fairbanks makes the cut in the year 2006, you'd think Don King and Luke Perry would too.

So obviously this program is insane, but it's funny all the same. If you try it though, stay away from group shots. Although it claims to do a great job with them, more often than not it doesn't identify the faces at all. Have fun!

Jessica Simpson Cheats At Songwriting Too

2006-06-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's not like I thought she was especially gifted in the songwriting department, but it's difficult to imagine someone cribbing so much from a mega-hit song. Listen to this mash-up of the new Jessica Simpson song and Madonna's "Holiday." How dare that talentless wench steal from the master! I'm sure Madge and her squad of flying legal monkeys are going to get all over this one. Not even evil mastermind and all-around creepy dad Joe Simpson can save Jessica from this one. Go get her!

Gone fishin'

2006-06-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

I guess it really should say "went fishin'." Anyway, after a long vacation from the blog I am back. While I was away, a lot of things happened. My year-long project that drove me slowly insane actually won a national award from my professional organization, which was awesome. The Miami Heat won the NBA Finals, making me smile because I know somewhere Kobe Bryant is having a snit about it. Our cats shed the equivalent of two hamsters in fur. Poor Britney Spears did her own hair and makeup to cry in front of a sockless Matt Lauer. I could go on forever. But I won't. I'll share some fun links below though and re-commit myself to updating this more often.

Big Brother is back, and I'm actually excited! I didn't watch last season because I didn't want my boyfriend to think less of me (and I guess that worked since we're engaged now). This year, however, brings back people from every season. America can vote for the players. I personally favor the Evil Dr. Will, who was by far the best player ever on that show, but voting for Nakomis (no way should her illiterate brother have stayed in the house longer), Marcellas (my favorite bitchy queen), or Danielle is okay too. Go vote right now for Evil Dr. Will (or someone else other than stupid Alison, Jase or Diane) to join the cast of Big Brother All-Stars.

Finally, the Coreys are back! I don't know about you, but I'm interested to see how this show turns out. It'll probably be atrocious, but won't it be fun to watch?

Why didn't Barry Bonds try this excuse?

Hoff, Hasselhoff

2006-06-09T06:24:00.000-07:00

This is the perfect video for Bond fans waiting impatiently for Casino Royale, the Dallas Mavericks, and people who just love the Hoff like me. My personal highlight: at about 1:45 Hasselhoff performs a high front kick, then takes off with the aid of a jet pack. There's also a lot of undulating faux Bond girls if you're into that kind of thing.

Power Lifters For Jesus

2006-06-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

It's nice to know that no matter what's going on in the world, Pat Robertson is still out there acting batshit crazy. Apparently he cheated when claiming to leg press a ton. Under Pat's version of the rules of competitive lifting, I could benchpress the principality of Monaco (3 sets, 4 reps each). I'm sure Pat thought that God was imbuing him with holy leg press strength to spread his war on "evil" into the fitness centers of our great nation. I somehow doubt the Lord would waste such impressive powers on a man who openly prays for people to die.

And besides, God's already deputized The Power Team, "One of the most Powerful, Impacting, and Effective Presentations of the Gospel in the World!" I'd love to see that kind of spectacle live, but I don't think the audience would appreciate me cackling in the background. Just like when I went to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of George "Skinbeard" Lucas. Or the Sith. Whatever.

Poor Dylan: An Open Letter to NBC

2006-06-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

Dear NBC,

I realize that you are very impressed by your "brilliant" and "clever" radio ads featuring a fake "wacky" morning crew talking up your shows every day. At first I thought the strategy brilliant, until you ran the ads every day, allowing the suits to catch on and force you to put a "Commercial Announcement" disclaimer before and after each one.

After a whole season of this, I just got angry that someone expected me to sit there and listen to someone calling Kelsey Grammar a brilliant thespian, annointing ER a thrilling and subtle drama, or debating how awesome that Howie Mandel show for mental midgets who like to shout at briefcases totally is without a trace of irony. I thought that the end of the official television season would give me some respite from listening to your excrutiatingly happy fictional disc jockeys go on and on about how "rad" The Apprentice is. I was wrong.

Yesterday I had the misfortune to hear the summer season kick-off begin in earnest. Windfall should be interesting just because of Dylan McKay (AKA Luke Perry), but now I read that it's not even good. Disappointing, yes. But what really zapped any desire I had to see that show was listening to the female sidekick "pondering" how money changes people.

You're not fooling anyone, NBC. And I especially dislike any ruse that plays on me being a complete moron who can't recognize my own real wacky morning show voices. It's stupid, just like most of your shows. Have a straightforward "tonight on Windfall" ad. It could work, you never know.

Sincerely,
A Viewer Who's Still Just Going To Watch The Office and L&O: D'Onofrio, No Matter What You Do

Bargain Shopping Safari

2006-06-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

The latest lame "adventure" I undertook a few nights ago involved shopping for budget gifts for my intern's birthday. I'm a huge believer in always checking to make sure the stuff at Five Below and the local dollar store isn't as crappy as I remember before being forced to go to Target and buy normal stuff at higher prices. After using my trusty machete to hack a path through aisles of Men in Black II Trapper Keeper folders, Turkish faux Comet cleaning products, and Napolean Dynamite magnets, I managed to find these items:

Kids Today Are Lazy Part 1
Most of the fun of Mash is putting together the board by yourself in the corner of your notebook. I would never dream of trying to foretell the future any other way. Buying this would be an affront to my belief in the clairvoyant powers of the Spiral.

A Nice Way To Discourage Smoking
These ashtrays are classy to be sure. I think they would probably work more effectively as ironic ashtrays for hipsters rather than actual anti-smoking paraphernalia pieces.

Kids Today Are Lazy Part 2
I can't believe they're trying to market an activity best left to catholic school teachers in search of a "fun" timekiller on half-days. Hangman in and of itself is pretty lame, but having to pay to play it? Now that's pathetic.

Sausage Links

2006-05-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this post has little to do with Jimmie Dean. Here are some links I've been enjoying this week.

The Hoff cries on TV!
Check out Manolo's coverage of the recent Eurovision Song Contest. Awesome, frightening, and totally GWAR. I can't believe we aren't able to watch this over here. NBC could use the hit.
Weathermen do have a lot of apropos names. This list doesn't even include our local Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz or Amy Freeze.
If you have gone out to see The Rat's version of X-Men, you might want to check out Fametracker's insider info on X-Men 4: Mutants of Last Resort.
There's a new idea: boost Superman's opening weekend take by lengthening the weekend to 7 FULL DAYS. At least this way maybe Warner can earn its way around their recent Poseidon disaster.
Be careful out there: Michelle Rodriguez is on the loose again.

Why I Love Kiefer - A Saga in 72 Parts

2006-05-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Episode 42: The Attack on Christmas

I Even Hated Happy, The Dog (Who Was The Smartest One, BTW)

2006-05-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

7th Heaven ended its reign of terror last night, and sane America breathed a collective sigh of relief. This show was one that my old roommate and I used to watch in order to cackle at the horrendous acting and get outraged at the moralizing. Oh yeah, and to sing the stupid theme song to each other in thick semi-drawls.

The Camdens were the biggest hypocrites on the planet, particularly when it came to sex. It's the only show I can think of that forced characters as young as 9 to contemplate their own dating lives. The mother was a horrible screeching harridan, who gave menopause a bad name. The father was a stalking lunatic. The annoying and infinitely stupid kids were sexualized way too early, and then given abstinence-only lessons on how WRONG pre-marital sex was because it always ended in babies and STDs. The guest stars were seemingly plucked of the streets. The celebrity guest stars included Tara Lipinski, Hilary Duff, Asslee Simpson, Ed Begley, Jr. and Lance Bass. Ewww.

In the finale, they even managed to out-annoy all other ridiculous plotlines with this gem:

Adding to the good cheer: Son Matt (departed original cast member Barry Watson, making a guest appearance) and his wife Sarah announced they are having twin boys. Pregnant daughter Lucy and her husband Kevin chimed in to say they're expecting twin boys, too. And, not to be outdone, daughter Mary (departed regular Jessica Biel, also back for the episode) and Carlos, reunited after a marital split, had their own scoop: They are expecting twin girls.

Six more Camdens to terrorize the world!?! Dear Lord. And you know they would have been totally special ed like the youngest twins the mother popped out for sweeps a few years ago because they refuse to cast people who can read.

God I hated this show. I'm choosing to ignore reports that the show could be resurrected on The CW for now. The thought of one of their precious programming hours going to this steaming pile of horse manure makes me cry in my heart. Good riddance, 7th Heaven.

UPDATE: The CW made the Baby Jesus cry. They've revived this craptastic enterprise after all. Cancelling the best family drama (Everwood) to bring back the worst in history. Pretty assy if you ask me. I guess it wouldn't be network TV if it didn't disappoint me.

"He Dances Like George Burns"

2006-05-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

For your Friday afternoon enjoyment, I present Rhythm Impossible: 3. Also, I hope he will stop trying to dress like Kanye West. Kanye made a song for your movie Tom, he didn't ask you to steal his sunglasses.

Quality Mash-up

2006-05-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

Here is a very cool song that I heard on Alias last week, and you can watch the video on Blondie's web site. Blondie vs. The Doors, Rapture Riders. You can get it on their latest Greatest Hits collection. I have the old one, which apparently wasn't really the greatest, but I digress. Oh, to have a crystal ball for use when purchasing greatest hit collections!

Can we trade Hurricane Schwartz for him?

2006-05-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

An awesome CBS station in NYC had Dance Friday on their newscast last month. I don't know if I love the weatherman more for dorkily committing to the concept so fully, or the old fogies on the broadcast who don't dance and grumpily assert that Michael Jackson is the one who "had an affair with Liz Taylor." God bless Dance Friday! All local newscasts should follow take notice.

Further Proof Nick Lachey = Awesome

2006-05-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

"I can safely say I have no interest in Lindsay Lohan, nor do I understand anyone else's."
--Nick Lachey, in a radio interview with the Charlotte, North Carolina-based Ace & TJ Morning Show

My Latest Guilty Pleasure

2006-05-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going to just come out and say it. I watch Supernatural, and I enjoy it immensely, and if that makes me a lesser person, then so be it. Phew. That wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.

Supernatural is the perfect middlebrow meshing of WB pretty boys and The X-Files. It's even produced and directed by X-Files vets. The show is actually scary most of the time, and the effects are decent. One of the things that makes it resonate more than it would otherwise is that they tackle those urban legends and ghost stories we all heard and maybe even feared growing up, putting their own twist on it. The writing can get a little clunky during some of the supernatural expositions, but the humor and heart shine through.

The soundtrack features awesome and potentially meaningful classic rock anthems, which is such a welcome change in these days of corporate-sanctioned alt-rock new music samplers. The boys drive a kickass muscle car. And the ridiculous fake IDs and outfits they use to do research and worm their way into guarded locations is pretty hilarious to watch. There's nothing better than seeing them pretend to be police officers, priests, CDC representatives, Homeland Security agents, etc. with their goofy boy band hairstyles intact.

The boys have fantastic chemistry. Sure, Jared Padelecki is sometimes whiny and annoying, but he's still got a lot of credit to burn for playing Cute Dean on Gilmore Girls. Jensen Ackles has had hearts fluttering for years, but I have just discovered him. He just seems to be having fun, making fun of Jared constantly. He's good-looking, knows how to sell ridiculous lines, can hold a weapon like a pro, and is very funny. I see now what the fuss was all about. And on top of those two cuties, their dad is played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the gorgeous and gruff sweetheart who has a side gig on Grey's Anatomy as sweetheart patient Denny. He's delicious. It's ridiculous that he's playing the father of guys 10 years younger than him, but they gruff him up pretty well. He also drives a scary muscle truck, which looks like it gave birth to the boys' baby Impala. It's so cute when they are driving in a caravan together!

How can you not love a show described thusly:

Bound by tragedy and blood to their dangerous, other-worldly mission, the brothers travel from the Colorado wilderness to Nebraska farmlands and on to isolated Wisconsin lakes, encountering creatures that most people believe only exist in folklore, superstition and nightmares...Crisscrossing the lonely and mysterious back roads of the country in their '67 Chevy Impala, the Winchester brothers search desperately for their missing father - and hunt down every evil supernatural force they encounter along the way.

It's not in danger of winning any awards, but it's a fun show that never takes itself too seriously. The season finale is on Thursday. I'm hoping that they get drafted for the new CW lineup, because I would hate to part with them. I owe this show a lot: it helped me break my terrible OC habit. So keep on truckin', Sam and Dean. May your show live another season.

Shut Up Already, Crazy Pants!

2006-04-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

E!Online had this item in their First Look section this morning:

"Katie is a young girl's name. Her name is Kate now; she's a child-bearing woman."
--Tom Cruise, explaining his reasons for renaming his fiancée to reporters at the London premiere of Mission: Impossible III.

Wow. Now that he has had a bitchy on-air slap fight with Matt Lauer, is he trying to start a feud with Katie Couric, too? She's not on the air much longer at Today, but hopefully she can interview him. I can't wait to watch him lecture her on the history of nicknames and how she's really going to have to change it to be a grownup on the nightly news. When the inner Couric Cougar is unleashed to claw his eyes out, I will laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh, Tom.

Links I Think You'll Appreciate

2006-04-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss in sharing some links with you.

The Fug Girls rock my world on a daily basis. Their recent additions to the Crazy Tom Cruise Canon in particular have me laughing.
More news on The CW, and how Les Moonves will have his way with it - further underserving viewers. (Sniff)
Fametracker has Kiefer's number. Seriously, why would I pay money to see a glorified episode of 24 co-starring Grandma Michael Douglas and Eva Longoria? I love the Velvet Bedroom Whisper, but not enough to brave Longoria's attempt at law enforcement.
Ana-Lucia really is hardcore!
Apparently it's "hip" to be pregnant. Babies are a little harder to put off to the side than, say an ambitious knitting project, when the craze has calmed down.
It's a little early for Suri Cruise's Fame Audit, but that shouldn't stop you from checking it out.

The Wrong Idea

2006-04-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

Clicking through cnn.com today, I was disappointed to see the headline "Senators to push for $100 gas rebate checks." I don't want a piddly $100 check. That's not going to help me or anyone else in the long-term. I'd like our inept leaders instead to do something about improving the conditions that make high gas prices such an issue.

First off, how about spending that $100 to support alternative energy source research and development efforts? Or maybe we can spend even more than that and actually get a workable solution started in the next few years? Oil drying up should be enough of an incentive. But when you think about the utter desolation and destruction doled out in toxic doses by our leaders in the name of (secretly) securing foreign oil, there should be no alternative. We have to get off the sauce. Do that, and the West can stop meddling in the problems of oil-rich countries for self-serving reasons.

How about coming down hard on the oil companies who have consolidated into behemoths and basically are accountable to no one? Gas prices rise regardless of the market, and "excuses" are contantly found to jack them up higher. I wouldn't have minded paying those exorbitant rates after Katrina if the gas companies were spending the money on relief for a region that has supported them. Instead, these companies post record profits and their CEOs run off with $400 million retirement packages. Being paid the equivalent of $6,000 per hour is a disgusting display of the greed that thrives in an unregulated industry. And the government lets them get away with it because they throw enough dollars into the campaign pool each year. They are above the law at this point, and they know it. It's time to change this.

And what about Detroit? If they made more hybrids instead of concentrating design efforts on creating larger and larger SUVs, we would make quicker progress. Hybrids should be more affordable and easily available. There's an untapped market out there, and consumers who are more than willing to purchase a greener car are dissuaded by high costs, limited availability, and paltry options.

There's other solutions too, such as providing greater access to mass transit and infrastructure improvements. It's much harder to attempt to work on a real solution, and there won't be any short-term results to focus on. A $100 check may impress some simple-minded voters on Election Day. It certainly provides a nice photo opp for the senators. But real change and lasting relief will only come about after a great deal of work and sacrifice.

Now This Is A Ridiculous Idea I Can Get Behind

2006-04-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

Someone has gone through a lot of trouble to create the trailer below for Titanic 2, and I think it's awesome. This seems like a much more entertaining sequel than any idiotic idea an average writer/director could come up with. After all, did we really want to watch Kate Winslet fall in love with dreamy Jake Gyllenhaal on the final, doomed voyage of the Hindenberg? Wait, that sounds pretty good too.

KITT is such a pip!

2006-04-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

Wednesday TV Credit Series Part 3: Knight Rider. Do I really have to say anything?

P.S. To see The Hoff and KITT's banter put to good use by Madison Avenue, click here.

Car Songs

2006-04-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

As I was driving along listening to the adult contempo station yesterday evening, I found myself a little ashamed when a skater dude caught me belting out the inappropriately titled hit "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette. Not only was I ashamed that I had been discovered, but discovered rocking out to a song I have long declared to be an exercise in stupidity. Then again, there are several songs that I enjoy singing along to in the car that I wouldn't want to listen to anywhere else. And surprisingly enough, they're all played on soft rock radio. Here's a list of the top 5:

1) "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion: "My Heart Will Go On" gets all the hateration, but this insipid little slice of cheese is probably the finest Celine has to offer in her specialty: bombastic odes to bombastic love sang bombastically by a French Canadienne diva.
2) "Anything For Love" by Meatloaf: The full title is a lot longer, like all of the titles of his songs, but you know what I'm talking about. The song makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, because we never find out what is the "that" he won't do for love. It's fun though, you must admit.
3) "Careless Whisper" by Wham!: Right off the bat, any band with an exclamation point in the name gets a lot of points with me. But the soulful, swooning misery of a supposedly straight George Michael and the catchy chorus are the perfect accompaniment for the tragedy of traffic on 309.
4) "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" by Elton John: First off, it contains the words "sugar bear," so you really can't go wrong. Then there's the fact that he wrote this about the most hilarious attempted suicide in history. Good times.
5) "How Will I Know?" by Whitney Houston: This reminds me of when I was a young girl and I had exactly the same questions as Whitney about boys, but I had no one like Dionne Warwick or Aretha Franklin to really ask. This video is still so cute and joyous when I see clips of it on 80s album commercials. Those were much better days for our girl Whitney, whom I loved unapologetically for about two decades. I miss that voice.

TomKat's False Stomach Handler Falls Asleep At the Wheel

2006-04-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm as exhausted by TomKat news as the next person, but I can's believe they let her out of the compound with her fake stomach out of wack. His cult minions are really falling down on the job. I haven't always been on board the completely fake pregnancy train, but this seems so blatantly wrong. I feel so badly for poor Katie Holmes. Is this the price she has to pay for ending up with Pacey at the end of Dawson's Creek? Our girl is totally lost. Once M:I3 comes out and the baby is produced, at least they'll go away for a little while.

Wilford Brimley, B-Boy Extraordinaire

2006-04-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

Gawker.com and its brilliant Gawker Stalker feature are under attack, from George Clooney of all people. Readers can text message or e-mail their encounters with famous people on the street. I don't know how providing a map is any more dangerous to celebs than listing the sightings, some of which are probably put their by their own publicists anyway. Anyway, it has Clooney's panties in a bunch so his publicist is encouraging others to submit fake celebrity sightings. Fametracker has come up with some excellent ideas. I'm taking it as a shout-out that several involve Jennie Garth (see below).

David Silver: Pop and Lock Pioneer

2006-04-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday, and that means another TV show opening. Beverly Hills, 90210 is an all-around classic. It perfectly captured the zeitgeist of that perfect moment in history where enjoying the musical stylings of Color Me Badd was socially acceptable and wearing neon day-glo t-shirts with rolled up sleeves was the norm. Ah, such fond memories of high school.

This clip is from the golden age when Brenda was still on the show. I think that Brian Austin Green must have been one of the first actors anywhere to attempt popping and locking through his credit sequence vignette. And he does it so embarrassingly too. You've got to admire that. As well as Steve Sanders/Ian Ziering's bold, yet ridiculous tight pants/fro-mullet combination. I wish I was at home right now learning a valuable lesson from the geriatric gang at West Beverly.

Santorum's Carefully Considered Response to My E-mail

2006-03-30T05:51:00.000-08:00

So I wrote to my senators and congressman to express my frustration with the legislature's inability to censure the President over his illegal and troubling wiretap program in January. Arlen Specter wrote back to me relatively quickly, with a longish e-mail that actually went into details of his thoughts on the matter. The Congressman never writes back, so I didn't expect anything. Santorum was mum on the topic until this very morning, when I got this detailed e-mail that showed me how important it was for him to respond to the actual message I sent him.

Dear Lady Voter:

Thank you for contacting me regarding President George W. Bush. I appreciate hearing from you and having the benefit of your views.

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, and I will be sure to keep them in mind as I undertake my responsibilities as your United States Senator. During the 109th Congress, a multitude of diverse issues will be considered and debated by the Senate. I look forward to continuing to work on issues of importance to our Commonwealth.

Thank you again for contacting me. If I can be of further assistance with this or any other matter, please feel free to call on me again.

Sincerely,
Rick Santorum
United States Senate

That's it?!? This is the man who sent me a four-page long white paper during the Elian Gonzales saga (did I mention that I write to elected officials all the time in the idiotic hope that they will listen?). So Elian was a hotter topic than an outrageous violation of our constitution? He was more inspired to act by a Cuban custody issue rather than the President cutting the other branches of government out of the process completely? Great job, Rick. I don't know why you even bothered to write.

Now that all that unpleasantness is behind him, Rick can get back to his regular agenda of spewing bigotry and being a righteous tool in the name of the Religious Right's true god: power-mad, hypocritical intolerance.

Is it wrong that after all this time it still makes me squeal?

2006-03-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

Here is the latest installment of my Wednesday Notable TV Show Credits of The Past series (yes, it's a series now). A little known fact about me is that when I was in college, around 1995/96, I actually had a section of my personal website devoted to this show. I had an audio file of the theme song, some random facts, a lot of overheated hyperbole about the show's quality, some completely justified passages on the amazing and scorchingly soulful beauty of Johnny Depp, and a picture of the show's producer, Stephen J. Cannell having dinner with his wife (don't ask). If you think that's scary, let me acquit myself by pointing out that there are people on youtube currently churning out thematic "music videos" about this show in the year 2006.

Now I present to you the greatest hot undercover cops posing as high school students drama ever produced: 21 Jump Street. Sing your little heart out, Holly Robinson!