ifilm to the rescue

When youtube pulled this most excellent music video a few months ago, I was heartbroken. And also too damn lazy to see if it was up anywhere else. Here is the saga of John McClane. Too late to honor the first film's legacy as one of the finest Christmas movies ever made, but plenty relevant with the recent release of the Die Hard 4 trailer. Yippee ki-yay!

'Twas the Morning of Christmas

And all along the lane
Not a present was opened
Which did not involve Horatio Caine.
Delighted with our autographed headshot,
we carefully packed it away for a safe travel lot.
Spencer in his Eagles jersey, and I in orange 'flops,
set out to find a decent (read: OPEN) bar for hops.



Imagine our delight, felt once again in Illadelph,
when visited by another most generous elf.
In a package wrapped in paper that resembled angel wings,
we found a box of pun-heavy crimesolving things.



Opened the box and there he stood, a hands-on-hips vision of Christmas joy for the masses.
Our hearts leapt when the mysterious red-headed figure took off his sunglasses.
He exclaimed to us as he drove off in a slow motion Hummer, bathed in a glorious orange light,
"Merry Christmas to all, Frank, and to all a good night."

Aural Egg Nog

When it comes to the holidays, I am late with everything. Decorations, cards, shopping: pretty much everything. Including posting this article. Even though I'm feeling a bit Bah Humbug about Christmas this year, I still enjoy the music of the season. And for that reason, I will share with you my favorite Christmas tunes.

• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Judy Garland: I love the Judy, and I love the movie this came from (Meet Me In St. Louis). It's the perfect mix of melancholy and hope that things will get better. Seriously makes me teary-eyed every time.


• Do They Know It's Christmas Time, Band Aid: Kind of ridiculous messaging if you realize for a moment that a huge portion of the population doesn't celebrate xmas or ever have snow to be wistful about not having around at xmas. So awesome though to have U2, Wham, Bananarama, Duran Duran, Culture Club, and all my 80s brit faves singing together for the betterment of mankind. Beats "We Are The World" in a landslide.


• Mele Kalikimaka, Bing Crosby: Just because I like to say Mele Kalikimaka all year round. Try it. It's fun!


• Christmas Wrapping, The Waitresses: This song is so me, waiting in line all sullenly in high school and early college at the Circle K on the holidays, glad to have a moment to myself where I didn't have to be pretend to believe in Santa.


• Sleigh Ride, Johnny Mathis: Spencer likes to make fun of me because not only did I mistakenly think Johnny Mathis was Polynesian, but also I thought he was straight. Who knew? This proud gay black man sings one hell of a Christmas classic.


• Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart, Wham!: So awesome to hear the sad George Michael all dumped and sad. I always dreamed that I would be the someone special he gave his heart to next year. Little did I know then just how impossible that was.


• Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives: I love how warm Burl's voice is. And I remember fondly all those musicals he did for Disney back in the day. Plus? His name is BURL IVES. How awesome is that?


• Christmas in Hollis, Run DMC: Love it - and the video kicks ass!


• Carol of the Bells: I have performed this is in several choirs, and to this day I can't help but giggle a little when the baritones start ringing in with "Ding DONG Ding DONG." Very cool when it comes together, and blessedly short.


• Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee: I love Brenda Lee, and her voice is so great with the part that goes "voices singing let's be jolly / DECK the halls with boughs of hahaholly".

Is there a tune you could listen to all year round? For me, it's definitely the Band Aid song. I love synthesizers, what can I say?

If you celebrate the holiday, Merry Christmas. And if you don't, Happy Monday!

Dumb "Hip" Marketing Idea of the Week

The makers of Equal have always had their finger on the pulse of American consumer trends. To increase their market share in the face of increased competition from the likes of Splenda, they've hit upon a new strategy. They hired some hipster ad agency to take a time machine back to 1999 and copy the Heinz Ketchup "talking label" campaign.

That's right: aggressive campaign slogans and ironic titles printed on packaging. The most satisfying part? I can rip these up without making too much of a mess. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy that new *NSync album. I think that lead singer with the curly blond hair could go solo if he wanted to.

The Blessed Event - Update the First

I have been planning my wedding since late summer, and this weekend came the scariest step of all. No, it wasn't choosing the location. Or settling on the caterer. Both of those came to us fairly easily, and we couldn't be happier. It was, alas, the dress.

I selected a lovely dress, which I know will ultimately look great. But now comes the toughest part for a neurotic looney bird like me. You see, when you buy the dress, you're actually just buying a piece of paper with your measurements on it. Six months later, they call you and tell you that the dress is ready. And all you can do is pray that what shows up is what you ordered.

Half a year of second guessing. Six months of seeing other wedding dresses and wondering if I should have gone in a different direction. 26 weeks of using my OCD powers to worry that I misplaced the receipt and will not be allowed to claim it should it be delivered error-free. 182.5 days of potential doubt.

I vacillate between joy and terror on the subject. Jazzed by the dress, the deal, the way I looked. Afraid that I pulled the trigger a little too early. Thank god I have people around me to talk me down in times of doubt like these. Of course, they'll probably be burned out on this topic by February, but that's another post altogether.